Uzumaki Naruto and the Demon's Plan
by Pedran
Summary: For nearly a millennia the Uzumaki Clan has stood as the Gatekeepers, forever guarding the Realm from the Supernatural both within and without the Shinobi World. Yet now there stands only a single young Clan member against the coming Legion of Darkness. Can Naruto unravel the mysteries behind his sister, his bloodline, and his unnatural mentor in time to save the World?
1. Welcome to Ninja Life

- 1 - 1 - 1 -

Perched comfortably on a stone outcropping, a young boy sat with his eyes closed and an almost serene expression locked on his face; an expression that, in all honesty, scared the blazes out of his hidden watchers nearby.

The stone perch of the vertically challenged child was in itself actually the very tip of an enormous spike of hair. The hairstyle, mirrored in nearly identical sun-kissed blonde locks by the seated boy in his hero-worship, was connected to the stern face of a man deceased for over a dozen years. Yet despite his less than recent sojourn into the Great Beyond, the man the stone was carved in effigy of still remained the subject of boogeyman tales and shuddered memories through much of the Elemental Nations. Even allied nations included.

Sitting with his legs swaying haphazardly in the rising winds along the cliff-face, the twelve or thirteen year old child wearing a hideous bright orange jumpsuit did not exactly create the same fearsome presence as his hero the Yondaime when the fearsome ninja still yet lived.

His expression, strangely, did create an equal level of shudders and silent prayers to the great Log, Kami, and even (from the freak of the group) Jashin to spare the poor saps whatever vile scheme the boy's diabolical mind managed to settle on. Having watched, guarded, and protected the child for roughly four years each between the squad of four hidden and masked ANBU members, they each were intimately aware that the boy only settled on such a serene look when the unholy terror managed to come with truly fearsome pranks to unleash on the suspecting yet unprepared village below.

One such example, being the last time the demonic child adopted such a look, still created nervous twitches throughout two-thirds of the East Sector merchants and the entire Inuzuka Clan to this day. Suffice it to say there were pheromones, the Aburame Clan's entire swarm, and far too many watermelons to count involved. The Inuzuka even petitioned (and were granted) assistance from the aged Hokage in having their Clan's involvement in the matter sealed as a matter of Village security.

All because a few merchants got pushy and a single beta pup with an inferiority complex decided to take their aggressions out on the village pariah, momentarily forgetting in this foolishness his well-earned reputation as the Prankster King of Konoha.

Considering everything that occurred the previous night with the village's verbal punching bag, the very child the four hardened shinobi warriors now watched with trepidation, their fear was not exactly unfounded.

- 1 - 1 - 1 -

Despite his outwardly calm facade, one Uzumaki Naruto remained anything but calm, calm currently existed entirely as the anathema of his existence.

For once in the hellish twelve long years of the generally upbeat and positive young man's life, Naruto felt completely uncertain how exactly he should roll with the punches this time.

Since being (forcibly and literally) kicked out of the orphanage at age four, Naruto always strove to become the very poster child for optimism. The villagers ignored him and glared at him? Fine. He just donned his trademark orange jumpsuit and smiled broadly in their faces. Jiji called it 'beating them with kindness'. He called it 'avoiding a beating'.

They tried to ban him from the Academy? Fine. He'll prove them ALL wrong and decided on becoming Hokage one day, just like his heroes the Shodaime, Nidaime, Jiji (to clarify, the Sandaime and ruling Hokage), and his personal favorite, the Yondaime (who's head his rump was currently resting on).

They banned him from stores and charged outrageous prices? Fine. One massively awesome pranking guide from the library later and he started putting the sorry sons-of-bitches out of business left and right.

But last night...

"YOU are the Kyuubi no Kitsune! You are the DEMON!"

Last night was different.

_'So are you going to start dressing in dark clothes, get a duck-butt hairstyle, and start saying Hn all the time ni-san?'_

Yep. Extremely different.

_'I'm stuck in this just like you are ni-san.'_

How else would one explain finding out that not only was one shunned his entire life by something so far beyond his control it wasn't even funny, but that it was entirely possible ALL of their fears were completely and utterly wrong.

Possibly.

_'I'm not lying.'_ The sound seemed like bells…. chimes maybe?... It probably had something to do with the echo.

_'And you can prove that how?'_ he asked, finally fed up with her nagging, having nothing to do with the fact that Naruto just realized he insulted himself.

Yes. Her.

Apparently, if the rather insistent voice in his head should be believed, the previous Kyuubi somehow ended up dead on the night of his birth, the night said Kyuubi just happened (from Jiji's story) to be sealed into Naruto by the Yondaime. Yet, should the newest voice in his head be believed, the demon-fox got itself sacrificed on the altar of the Death God by his mother.

_'Of course you can believe me aniki. I AM your sister.'_

Apparently to save the life of his sister that his possible mother didn't even know existed until the sealing of the so-called previous Kyuubi already began through the Fourth's sacrifice.

_'Tou-san.'_ the lyrical voice interrupted again, intent on completely ignoring his attempts to ignore her.

_'A... Ano?..'_ THAT was enough to derail the already disturbed jinchuriki.

_'Tou-san. The Fourth was our FATHER.'_ she repeated rather smugly, a self-satisfied tremble in her tone.

Being the hyperactive, near limitless ball of energy that he was, such a revelation thrown out to Naruto could probably be construed as a mistaken act of War unto the God of Chaos with how the little hellfire would normally react in such a situation. Considering the life he's lived, and who was judge, jury, and executor of his fate, if such a bold statement was true Naruto would be somewhere between shouting it off the rooftops while pummeling who knows how many people already.

But.

A few factors affected the freakishly calm blonde. One, despite their physical similarities (something Naruto always prided himself on and one of the main factors in choosing the Fourth as his Hero) they were just that, similarities. Naruto was an orphan scorned by everyone. The very possibility of his being related to the Grade A Bad Ass Motha known as the Yondaime was laughable. It only took a momentary glance at all the bowing and scraping done by the civilian masses for his classmates, Clan Heirs like the teme, Kiba, and even Shino (despite the mass of idiots freaked out by his bugs) to know how blatantly dumb the idea was.

Further, what better way for the sadist fox to torture it's container than to bring up Naruto long buried dreams of being the lost heir of the Namikaze? The tortuous nights spent having wonderful dreams of the legend rising from the grave to protect his long lost son.

_'Ni-san...'_ the gentle musical voice of his tenant whispered.

His tenant. Now there was a subject Naruto tried avoiding like the plague, or the entire Akimichi clan when one of 'escorts' tipped them off just whom managed to fill every scrap of food and drink they were serving for last year's Kyuubi Festival with medical grade laxatives ...acquired from the hospital's trash.

The Bastard. Or should that be Bitch?

_'Stop...' _

It would come as a surprise to even his continual shadows that there were a great many things Naruto raged at over the long lonely years of his troubled life. He raged at the villagers for their scorn and hate, the shinobi for their indifference, the clans for their 'Holier-than-thou' attitudes, and even Jiji for not letting him just abandon it all and leave the village when he was younger.

All of that paled in comparison to the current focus of his anger and rage.

_'I'm sorry oni-san...'_ a muted voice echoed in his thoughts.

_'Stop calling me that!'_ Naruto's voice boomed throughout his mind as he fought back an angry tremble at the traitorous inner voice.

He knew. He'd read the stories alongside his comrades at the Academy, and honestly, he loved every minute of it. Despite how disturbing some of the History lessons could be, it was almost like the story-time he'd once managed to watch in painful silence through the library window as a kid. So for once he soaked up the knowledge like a drifter finding an oasis in the desert.

Kitsune were cruel, heartless creatures that lived for nothing less than their own desires. The oni, because demons is what they were and would always be, could see into the very hearts of their victims to flaunt their deepest desires against the poor souls before literally tricking them into a hellish existence that when all the chips fell managed to be completely the humans fault.

Nature's demonic, inhuman, uncaring, heartless, vindictive, spiteful pranksters.

Naruto flinched internally when he remembered his own title in the village, one until today he'd been proud of as his OWN accomplishment. Now he could only wonder if it was in fact his own.

The unmoving boy nearly growled silently at the effort to ignore the sounds of quiet crying echoing from the depths of his mind, the soft musical tones ringing like a cacophony of broken bells in tune with his heartbeat. Crystalline blue eyes watered with unshed tears as the young jinchuriki raged against the world, his tenant, the people of the Village, the Yondaime, his Jiji, but most of all he raged against his own weakness.

Weakness the self-named 'Hana,' if that was even his tenant's name, seemed dead set on exploiting for all it was worth.

_'It's true,'_ his tenant mumbled as she obviously choked back a small sob, _'I swear.'_

Sighing internally with his mask firmly in place, the child sat silently for hours more that evening, raging against the hateful world, his fingers idly tracing the carved insignia of Konohagakure, the Village Hidden in the Leaves, he had finally managed to earn just a day prior. Funny how less than two days ago his entire world revolved around the simplistic subject of becoming a shinobi, since it happened to be a needed step on his path to become Hokage. Now, the blonde knuckle-head wondered just how long it would take to prove to the ignorant and spiteful people below that he remained Warden and Jail, never the Prisoner within his own body?

As darkness fell, and the sun set once more on the most peaceful ninja village within the Elemental Nations, still he sat unmoving, forcing his cramped and sore fingers to continue tracing the delicate contours which gave proof he was one step closer to his goal.

He WOULD be Hokage one day and NO-ONE would stop him.

Yesterday may have been very, VERY different, but he remained Uzumaki Naruto and NOTHING could take his dream from him.

As the boy sat in complete darkness, a familiar burning determination began to settle through his formerly lackluster and dull eyes.

Many people past, present, and future would give comment on his most endearing and annoying quality.

No matter what Fate throws in his path, Uzumaki Naruto never gives up and never gives in.

Only a single old man with sharp eyes piercing the darkness could bear witness to the growing power of the boy's resolve.

The man's only question however, would forever be 'Resolve go do what?'

- 1 - 1 - 1 - 1 -

"Report."

The crisp, no nonsense order delivered through long years of rote was by no means any less intense. The ANBU's superior didn't even bother turning from his post at the window, proving just how confident (or trusting) the aged Kage was with skills even after over eight decades of life. Showing one's back to a fellow ninja was a fast-track to death anywhere in the world, but the Sandaime wasn't named the God of Shinobi or the Professor without reason. Even in such a relatively relaxed stance, the ANBU mentally preparing his report could see nothing less than graceful perfection in the way his long-time leader stood. A man, no a legend, prepared to face any threat with brutal efficiency, even decades after he should have had to carry such burdens.

"It appears the Beast has made contact with the container..."

"Naruto," the wizened leader interrupted with a fond whisper, the faintest hints of menace in his placid grandfatherly voice, "His name is Naruto."

"Yes Hokage-sama. The con... err.. Naruto arrived in his nest at approximately zero, four hundred hours and started to lay down for the night. However, before it fell asleep, Naruto bolted upright claiming to hear voices. After a number of one-sided statements, the co... Naruto's appeared to become almost wistful before becoming positively charged with anger. So much that he began radiating rage laced chakra to an alarming degree. I was about to step in and subdue the Beast, but Bear detained me, stating that the was no presence of 'it's' chakra."

The elder Sarutobi frowned at his ANBU's choice of words, but the report was more important than chastising his ninja. "Continue."

"After finally going to sleep, it left the nest at roughly ten-hundred hours and dined at the ramen stand. Both the man and his daughter noticed the boy's oddly subdued mood until the food was served. At ten-thirty hours, the boy attempted to visit the Academy chunin, but was told the man was not allowing visitors."

"Was he?"

"Er... Yes Hokage-sama. The boy was given inaccurate information. Bear stated there were specific instructions for the child to be allowed to his room regardless of visiting hours, with your approval Hokage-sama."

If the kage noticed his shinobi's reluctance in giving such information about another person in need of an 'appointment' with Inoichi's replacement at the head of T&I, he gave no indication.

"Continue."

"The boy walked the outskirts of the village for a few hours before making another visit to the ramen stand. At precisely sixteen-hundred hours, the boy took up his current position and has not moved since other than to take off its forehead protector. It appears last night's events had more of an effect than initially assumed."

The elder ninja removed an aged and well-worn pipe from his robes and breathed out a tiny Katon jutsu to light his special blend of tobacco, if only to relax him for the assignment he would be forced to give after his subordinate's report was completed. Despite his desires, it was the only option, especially considering the prior evening's events. Throughout his motions honed through decades of habit, his sharp piercing eyes never left the unmoving speck of orange on top of the nearby mountain.

"Speaking of last night, CAPTAIN," Sarutobi casually mentioned, his grandfatherly tone in full force with a hint of amusement, "how exactly did my adopted grandson manage to not only evade his entire escort, but arrive unhindered within my tower?"

The questioned ninja stiffened noticeably. A considerable feat as he already stood at formal attention.

"IT... The boy took my team by surprise Hokage-sama. He opened his window to with his normal water bottle in hand to water the plants on the overhand. A single spray neutralized Mantis-kohai's agents with an odd mixture of rotted milk, soy sauce, and an unidentified agent. Without pausing he tossed four stink-bombs paced with the same agent before detonating a flash-bomb while using his most um... effective jutsu..."

At this, the kage chuckled softly while fingering the small goatee hanging from his chin. Yes, Hiruzen was very well acquainted with that particular jutsu.

"... by the time his intention to leave their presence was discovered, both teams were sufficiently distracted for him to make his way to the Tower, but not before blowing into a child's dog-whistle with a great deal of force. Having channeled a great deal of chakra, following a chakra trail became impossible due to the sheer ...cloud his presence left. As for the security seals not being activated by his presence, the T&I Department indicated his means were a for your eyes only SS-Class secret."

Hiruzen chuckled again at the blonde's ingenuity. And luck. Surely some of that had to be blatant unadulterated luck. Chakra trails aren't even discussed within the Academy.

The bug spray effectively neutralized the Aburame's kikaichu bugs, the stink-bombs for the young Inuzuka girl and her companions to ruin their sense of smell alongside the Captain standing behind him, the dog whistle to interrupt all of the ninjas enhanced hearing, the flash-bomb ('Where did Naruto-kun even get his hands on one?') to disrupt the Hyuga's Byakugan, and the Orioke no jutsu (sadly, extremely sadly, that thing is so being declared a kinjutsu) as the coup de grace.

'I wonder if Naruto-kun knew there was only a single kunoichi in his escort for the night. If so, what would be have done?'

The security seals were easily explainable, but not something the Sandaime would discuss with anyone. Young Ibiki was correct to seal the records. It wouldn't due for anyone to be aware that the Yondaime was killed before he and his wife finished the key for removing access (tested by both subtle blood and chakra scans) to the security seals throughout the Hokage Tower. Even after evaluating them every time his visited, Sarutobi's only still loyal student, Jiriaya the Toad Sage, Sannin, and the foremost Fuinjutsu still alive in the Elemental Nations, still had not unraveled the mysteries of the seal.

'It's no wonder their son has Kage-Level Clearance. Kami help us if he ever realizes it.'

"And the traitor, Mizuki?"

"Still with T&I. When it was realized that the man had one of Orochimaru's seals carved into his head preventing Yamanaka techniques, he was given to the Sannin's apprentice for information extraction." Despite his professional tone, the masked ANBU Captain's distain for that decision did not escape the experienced Saurtobi's sensitive hearing. The kage refrained from sighing at the man's barely disguised animosity towards his fellow Konoha-nin, and for once was unable to blame him.

Mitarashi Anko, the beautiful, deadly, and highly unstable former apprentice of the traitor Sannin Orochimaru; a young girl with a bloodlust like few others in the village and bearing a seal with purposes completely unknown. Was the seal something as rumored to be done by Sasori of the Red Sands? Creating the most effective of involuntary sleeper agents? If so, was it even involuntary? The Sandaime was honest, with himself at the very least, in acknowledging that the young woman wouldn't even be allowed outside the confines of Konoha's maximum security if the death toll from the Kyuubi attack almost exactly thirteen years prior was not so devastating to the village's shinobi forces (which Orochimaru was conspicuously absent for along with his now errant apprentice).

That she returned willingly, and without an anti-Yamanaka seal, while knowing his status as a missing-nin (and by association her own) spoke highly of her character and her 'Will of Fire,' but even that would give no bearing on how thoroughly she was ostracized within both Konoha's shinobi and civilian inhabitants.

The Sandiame took another long drag from his pipe to help steel his nerves for his next order, already knowing it might end in disaster yet having little choice in the matter. The only other might be transferring Cat instead, but like young Anko his presence and loyalty still rated as an unknown, having been discovered in the 'tender' hands of the same traitorous Sannin years prior.

"You know of your next mission. After many discussions with the Jonin Council, this appears to be the most promising available option. Ensure loyalty. Ensure the Will of Fire burns. But never forget your mission. Acceptance is required. Leave your mask and by Kami you WILL be professional. Is that understood?"

"Yes Hokage-sama."

Moments later the ANBU vanished in a swirl of leaves, leaving behind a single hard wooden mask on the massive desk covered in even more massive stacks of paper.

'I'm too old for this shit,' he thought to himself, maintaining his strong presence, even within the apparently empty room. To this day the ANBU hidden at key points within the room could count on two hands the number of times where their Leander's strength of presence ever waned (not counting his bi-weekly breakdowns over the Kage's arch-nemesis: the unstoppable behemoth of paperwork).

Yet that number rose by one as the fierce warrior, for but a few moments, looked every day of his eighty-plus years when he finally tore his gaze from the orange spec in the distance to stare down at the mask dropped unceremoniously on one the larger piles of paperwork.

After the longest running tenure within the village outside of the ANBU Commander himself (known only to Hiruzen), the Dog mask worn for nearly fifteen years was finally being retired.

It only took a direct order to do it.

- 1 - 1 - 1 - 1 -

Iruka entered the Academy classroom to greet this particular group for the last time as their sensei to probably the most surreal experience he'd experienced in the entire four years as the classes teacher.

Silence.

Not a single shout of 'Sasuke-kun' or 'teme', 'dog breath' or anything else.

Looking to the source of the entire class's stares, a knocked out Uchiha lay prone on the floor and a positively fuming Naruto leaned against the back wall of the room dressed in nothing more than a pair of black boxers and a plain white t-shirt probably three sizes too small with the Uzumaki swirl emblazoned on the front. At the blonde's feet, the Inuzuka heir was similarly unconscious with a massive goose-egg developing on his head. Roughly thirty heads seemed to move in eery sync back and forth between the Naruto and the young Uchiha Heir, Sasuke. Except of course for the resident Hyuga Heiress, and oddly the Yamanaka Heiress, both completely knocked the f out with massive nosebleeds on top of their overturned desks.

The experienced chunin addressed the situation with a professionalism that would give pride to any fine upstanding shinobi of the Leaf Village.

"What the fuck?"

- 1 - 1 - 1 - 1 -

- Two Hours Earlier -

Growling in frustration, anger, and depression, Naruto sat on his bed positively vibrating as he stared into the ruined remains of his closet.

_'I'm sorry oni-san.'_

"Shut UP," the boy barked out, biting his cheek in anger as he forcefully scrubbed unsure tears from his eyes, "This is YOUR fault you stupid kami-forsaken blight on the world. I can't even celebrate becoming a ninja properly. No, the fact that I'm your jailer just decided to fuck my life once again. Thanks. Thanks a lot."

For the first time in over a week, since kicking Mizuki's ass bloody to be specific, the fox didn't reply.

Oddly, he'd tolerated and even slightly enjoyed (much to his own frustration) the Fox's presence over the last week. Her observation about his shadow clones had been a GOLD-MINE. Paired with being called an idiot (which he ignored) when she pointed he could just use Henge to get past the vicious Librarian to prove what she'd said about the Uzumaki Clan was true and suddenly Naruto could actually read ALL of the books he'd been denied access to over the four years (despite being required research material for many of the exams he'd failed).

That. That was both a blessing and a curse. The Fox-Bitch wasn't lying when she stated that his clan, and former village, was feared the world over. That was the blessing.

The curse? His clan was so feared in fact that three of the great villages alongside two minor villages piled their resources together during the Second Shinobi World War forty years prior to burn the village to the ground. So feared was the might of fallen Uzushiogakure that their armies worked and planned together despite the allied Kumo and Iwa being Kiri's enemies during the war.

The information he found was as frustrating as it was contradictory. One older book claimed that the forty-plus survivors emigrated in the dead of night to their allies in Konoha to escape extermination and, to quote, 'rejoin the last living heiress Kushina-sama'. Naruto worked hard to ignore his tenant when she re-read that line at least fifteen times in his head.

The more recent books, and those he should have had access to read during his years at the Academy (_'Stupid trollish fucking hag'_) stated that if there were any survivors, they were completely unknown. Surprisingly based on the behavior of his irritating tenant, she said nothing about his confusion, which of course confused him more. The newer books also fail to mention that the First Hokage's wife just happened to be an Uzumaki (_'Take that teme!'_), instead referencing her name only as Mito-sama or Senju-sama.

All of that PALED however in the face of the better library he'd forced one of his Henged clones to visit (looking like Iruka since only a handful of people knew he was in the hospital). The Chunin Jutsu Library. Clanless Techniques known the world over, but kept under lock and key from any shinobi below chunin rank until the ninja wishing to visit was able to prove both on and off the battlefield their loyalty to the village. (That little tidbit came from the genin manual the annoying Fox insisted, ad-nauseum, he read first.)

Anyone surprised the Naruto clones, since in the end he sent three of them after the first slipped in completely unnoticed, managed to bump into the spoiled 'Last Uchiha' while they were there? Yeah, Naruto wasn't surprised either.

Arrogant prick.

Anyway, having only a few days with his discovery, his. Clones only managed to memorize two jutsu from the library. The first he chose since he knew it was one of Jiji's signature techniques, the Shadow-Kunai Clone Jutsu. The second, to his ETERNAL irritation, he learned because he gave in to his tenant's continual speech of logical reasons why it wasn't just the best choice, but the only choice. (Read: nagging) The Bangle-Trap Jutsu. Name was certainly girly as HELL and he almost refused to learn it by that reason alone, but even Naruto could admit the jutsu sounded just THAT bad-ass. Especially with the extreme levels of chakra Jiji said Naruto had compared to everyone else.

He would have learned many, MANY more jutsu, but apparently shinobi are required to have some sort of seal checked from their registration cards to actually check the scrolls out of the Library and Naruto didn't want his clones to get caught. Hana pointed out, correctly to Naruto's irritation, that even if his clones disbursed when caught that it wouldn't take the Hokage long to figure out that if an 'unknown' shinobi used shadow clones to infiltrate the library less than a week after Naruto learned the jutsu, the culprit would probably be Naruto.

All in all, Naruto LOVED the last week. (Though there wasn't a chance in hell he'd thank the torturous bitch of a Fox for it.) After figuring out the transformation and clone tricks, ON HIS OWN, he'd started ditching his 'escorts' via clones and dark alleys (or sewers). Shopping had never been such a wonderful experience. If asked, Naruto probably couldn't tell you the last time he only paid less than 500 ryo for a loaf of bread. As Sasuke, who he knew was in the chunin library? 75 ryo. It was so awesome, yet sucked so hard at the same time.

So considering the rather pleasantly eventful week leading up to this morning, one might wonder what could so have thoroughly destroyed Naruto's perpetually good mood over the last week; especially after waking up to realize that today was THE day.

Team Assignments!

Yet, staring wistfully at the contents of his closet AND knowing his village sponsored stipend ended the moment he donned his new favorite headgear, Naruto couldn't even find words to express his feelings at the state of his meager belongings.

EVERYTHING was trashed.

Every single one of his precious, wonderful, awesome, amazing, precious, beautiful, fantastic, bad-ass, killer, super, heroic precious jumpsuits were horribly destroyed. The bottom of his closet looked like the remains of a swarm of moths having a feeding frenzy. Nothing remained of his clothes but a pile of shredded and frayed strings.

Dully turning his eyes to the three idly tossed dresser drawers with similar contents, Naruto came to the slow realization that his ONLY clothes were the ones on his back. Even his precious pajamas suffered a similar fate, since he'd been too tired to do more than rip off his jumpsuit before falling into bed the night before.

Sighing heavily, Naruto tried to at least gather his ninja tools, but those too suffered a similar fate. His trusty but worn kunai and shuriken were gone, the ninja wire sliced into worthless pieces, his extremely small supply of ridiculously expensive exploding tags were soaked (and reeked of urine), and worst of all, his favorite, a single one of the great Yondaime-sama's kunai he'd found and hidden deep under his floorboards was gone as well.

Taking a deep, deep calming breath to at least make himself stable he moved to the kitchen for some comfort food.

So numb by this point, he did little more than grunt at what he found.

Deciding to report the theft and break-in, since 'all active duty shinobi are required to notify the Homage or T&I when village security has been compromised' ('stupid manual') and after reading just what it meant to be a jinchuriki paired with the vandals getting past his 'escorts,' this certainly qualified, Naruto made his way to Jiji's tower. The Hokage's Tower which he was promptly barred from entering by a couple of chunin since he looked like a 'hoodlum' (whatever that is) and would only be allowed back after making himself more 'presentable.' The knowing smirks on the bastards faces spelled serious pranking, Jiji's rules be-damned. He just wouldn't get caught.

Izumo and Kotetsu shivered heavily after the boy left before heading back to their gate, sharing knowing looks with each other that spoke volumes without a word whispered. _'Kami he owns us BIG time.' _The duo thought in unison.

Needless to say, by the time Naruto arrived at the Academy clad only in a training t-shirt and a pair boxers, he wasn't the happiest ninja in the Elemental Nations and was beginning to ponder whether Uchiha Itachi gave lessons in 'Massacre's 101'.

So lost in his emo-angst driven world as he walked towards his normal desk, he didn't even notice when the temperature in the room dropped significantly after mumbling that particular thought out loud and the murmurs and whispers fell silent.

"DOBE!" a raven-haired teen screamed loudly as he rose to his feet, the collar on his black turtle-necked t-shirt ruffling in a non-existent wind. Naruto's fellow Leaf genin screamed in a nearly berserk level of rage after hearing the blonde's mumbled words before drawing one of his custom chakra-conductive black-forged kunai and charging with wild abandon. Dozens of the girls throughout the room (save only one) visibly swooned as the lean and developed muscles of the boy flexed and snapped into position while moving, his daisy-duke white shorts (despite generally being made for females) giving the preteen a manly, powerful appearance… for a few seconds.

WHAM.

Glaring down at the now unconscious boy that just charged him with a kunai aimed for heart, Naruto couldn't even be broken out of his anger and frustration laden thoughts to cheer over finally getting the better of his self-proclaimed rival (a rival that until pretty much this very minute refused to even acknowledge his existence despite the similarities between the two boys). The Kyuubi container's body acted entirely on auto-pilot as he grabbed a book and smashed it down with an unconsciously chakra enhanced swing at the charging Rookie of the Year.

Even swamp deep into his Sasuke-emo mood of the day, Naruto winced at the twin banshee-fueled shrieks of rage and hate coming up quickly behind him. The presence of the beautiful cherry blossom that so enraptured his heart (for once) could not even add a crack in the barrier built out of Naruto's near rage level of frustration this day. The distracted blonde's body reacted on impulse again as he pulled a quick kamiwari with Kiba before leaning on the wall as the fierce and powerful Inuzuka crashed into the ground spectacularly via the power of righteous female fury by the name of Haruno Sakura, her long perfect beautiful and lustrous cotton candy colored hair not even having the slightest effect on the normally easily distracted blonde for once.

Said cherry blossom stared in stunned uncomprehending silence at her fist as Kiba landed on the complete other side of the room before rolling to a stop at Naruto's feet. The boy with a massive crush on her NEVER dodged her punches. Not once. For four years of classes she'd taken perverse glee in putting the perverted blonde menace in his place, and never once did he fail to do two things when she was forced into his unholy presence. He never dodged and he always asked her on a date.

Neither of which actually occurred this morning. It was baffling.

"What the fuck?"

Palming a hand over his face and sighing heavily, the chunin turned to the one student he just KNEW had to be responsible for this mess, "Naruto! What did you do?"

When the silently muttering blonde didn't answer, Umino Iruka fell back on his tried and true Big Head no Jutsu to scare the answer out of the genin hopeful, "Uzumaki NARUTOOOOO!"

Silence.

The class stared. Iruka stared. The eight ANBU posted throughout the room stared.

Naruto never moved while his hard eyes still glared at the wall as he muttered silently to himself about the injustices of the world. Luckily, only Shino, being closest to the blonde boy, actually heard his classmate give true consideration to just leaving the village entirely and trying his hand at becoming a journeyman. If the hidden ANBU managed to hear that particular comment, things could have conceivably become worse for the hero.

After nearly thirty seconds of stunned silence while Iruka became increasingly frustrated with the blonde to the point he began subconsciously leaking his killer intent, no one moved or spoke. Having spent years avoiding civilians, former ninja, and (sadly) even the current ninja forces when their bloodlust or hatred got the better of them, Naruto's survival instincts honed over his entire kick kicked into overdrive as his eyes instantly focused and he dropped low until he could identify the source of the threat.

"Finally with us Naruto," Iruka asked through grit teeth.

"I'm here." the blonde muttered quietly, habitually ignoring the increasingly hostile stares sent his way after a lifetime of dealing with the same, his mood still leagues and oceans away from the cheerful blonde his classmates were so used to.

"Would you care to explain this," the chunin instructor asked in a tone that left little doubt as to his choice in answering.

Naruto glanced first eye Kiba, to the (now) four girls slowing bleeding out from the nose while unconscious with dreamy smiles on their faces and drool leaking from the edges of their mouths, then let his eyes trail to the unconscious Sasuke still lying on the floor.

Good fangirls are so hard to find.

"Neh...," Naruto asked in complete confusion while rubbing the back of his neck, "Why you asking me Iruka-sensei. I just got here." With his mask firmly back in place and a questioning idiotic smile on his face, all was once more right with the world. Almost.

With an audible (literally, you could actually hear it, freaky as hell) snap, Sakura finally broke out of her confusion induced quasi-coma and screamed for all to hear, "Naruto-BAKA! Why did you viciously attack Sasuke-kun with such a sneaky and horrible underhanded dishonorable attack like that?!"

Over thirty genin hopefuls, eight ANBU, and one extremely annoyed chunin instructor that bore witness to her statement had the exact same thought: _'Um... Ninja?'_

The blissfully ignorant Uzumaki however had a different response. "What? I did that!? I don't even remember it! Man, I am SO awesome -ttebayo!" With that he struck his 'Hero-pose' complete with a victory V and a foxy-grin on his face. This action, having flexed his poor training shirt nearly to the limit, sent Hinata, the Hyuga Heiress that bolted back awake thanks to Sakura's ear-piercing shriek, right back into happy wonder-land with a fountain of blood shooting from her nose high enough to nail the cat-masked ANBU hiding at the top of the sixteen foot high ceiling.

Sadly, with Hebi having born witness to the event and showing just how good she could be with a camera, Cat would never live the moment down. Ever.

Or that's what SHE thinks.

"Really," Naruto muttered to himself, looking around the room, "Guess I should apologize to dog-breath, neh?" Nine of those present narrowed their eyes when Naruto muttered, but followed the Sandaime's orders and did nothing. Even Iruka, one of the few adults in Naruto's life that actually SAW Naruto instead of the demon-fox wasn't exempt from this.

The young chunin may have started to look fondly on the boy in the last few months (after just shy of **four years** with the same attitude as the traitor Mizuki), but when the child containing the world's most powerful demon in his stomach starts talking to himself anyone would sit-up and take notice.

"Narutoooo!" The mentioned genin-hopeful turned to the sound of the screeching, screaming voice that started the windows vibrating and visibly paled at the demonic visage forming behind his beautiful cherry blossom queen.

While the Academy classroom was shortly filled with painful cries delivered by a pink-haired incarnation of violence (that no-one bothered to stop since it was pretty much a daily occurrence between Sakura and Naruto), another meeting with the exact same topic and agenda was taking place within the Hokage's Tower. The assembled jonin in the room eerily mirrored the silence of the classroom as they watched the 'dead-last' drop the rookie of the year with a single swing of a book. Many of the assembled jonin just scoffed and attributed it to the demon finally showing his true colors. A few however, those with higher clearance and the former ANBU amongst the crowd, knew the blonde would have been stopped, detained, and forcibly removed from the room if he barest hint of the demon's violate chakra came from the boy.

Smoking his ever-present pipe, and enjoying the difficulties a number of his subordinates were having hiding their disdain for it, the Sandaime Hokage was contemplating his 'surrogate grandson' and his attitude. The elder Sarutobi in the room, since his son Asuma happened to be present as well hoping for his own genin team, knew the child's attitude was a recent occurrence. By all reports over the past week from his ANBU, Naruto had bounced back from his episode with Mizuki by the second day in spades. The boy was as happy and carefree as ever. Despite Naruto's obvious pain from learning the secret his beloved Jiji hid from him, he even stopped by for tea and to spend some needed time visiting in the Hokage's office (via window, without tree-walking).

The Sandaime probably would have been more concerned about his new shinobi's state of mind if he wasn't more focused on the actual reasons for his surrogate grandson's mood. _'Damn them.'_ The event, fully ruining one of the old kage's favorite day each year, left his ANBU Commander baffled.

Sometime between midnight and eight a.m., an unknown number of ninja managed to fully by-pass a full ANBU cell, breach the bedroom of the village jinchuriki, and leave the already poor weapon destitute. Now, on normal days Hiruzen never actually thought of the cheerful, happy-go-lucky boy as the village's secret weapon, but he was the Hokage and the political and military ramifications of unknown ninja, whether foreign or domestic, having such access to a child with the most potential as a ninja for the village was frightening. It practically screamed 'Look what we COULD have done, and you couldn't stop us!'

That was just the military side of the equation, politically it was worse. The Elders, and possibly the Jonin Council as well, would have much to say on the ramifications against the Village's jinchuriki. Danzo, backed as he was by Hiruzen's former teammates Koharu and Homura, will definitely point out having the village's weapon both poorly trained and poorly guarded boded ill for the future before promptly demanding Naruto be turned over to Danzo for 'special' training. Hiashi, the Hyuga Clan Head will certainly back their recommendation, if only to cease all contact between his enamored daughter and 'the vessel'. Knowing more of the details, even the Nara Clan Head Shikaku might be tempted to back them as well, for which his former team-mates would certainly follow his lead (as always). Yamanaka Inoichi certainly held no love for the boy, especially since his brother was in a permanent coma after trying their family jutsu against the child years before and his wife had some sort of unnatural level of hate for the boy having nothing to do with his status as a jinchuriki. Akimichi Chouza just plain didn't care, but after the laxative incident just a few months prior he wouldn't even have motivation to go out on a limb for the village pariah.

That left only the Inuzukas, the Aburames, the minor Kurama clan, his own Sarutobi clan, and the remaining jonin, thankfully all staunch Naruto supporters. Tsunade was absent, so the Senju wouldn't be voting if a meeting was called for the Jonin Council. Thankfully, young Sasuke (Log bless loopholes) was not yet technically a genin and could not appoint a proxy for the Uchiha clan, though Kami help us all if it comes to such a vote.

Village weapon or not, thanks to the village charter giving clan status to appointed Hokages, poor Naruto-kun was the successor within the village for three clans and he didn't even know it. Should the young genin-to-be pass his jonin-sensei's survival test and the Councils decide to press the issue, Naruto may just end up being handed over to Danzo for training just to keep the boy ALIVE. The blonde haired genin hopeful may not know it, but should the knowledge of his Uzumaki heritage and his biological father be known than his life would be placed in almost perpetual danger, both from without and within the village. Last living successor to the fabled Uzumaki clan and technically Daimyo in waiting to the Land of Whirlpool, the only male successor (and thus with a larger claimant status than his distant Great-Aunt Tsunade) to the founding Senju clan by blood and by marriage, and finally - the Sandaime's trump card alongside a birth certificate and blood tests sealed on his own body - the only child of the late Yondaime himself Naminkaze Minato.

Three clans with more enemies throughout the Elemental Nations than any two of the Great Villages combined.

The question plaguing Hiruzen at the moment remained a relatively simple one, were the changes in Naruto's situation over the last two weeks enough for Danzo to force Hiruzen to play his hand. The two kage level shinobi danced a very dangerous game for almost thirteen years around that very topic. Many of Danzo's innocent 'suggestions' concerning Naruto came dangerously close over the years to doing just that, but the long since retired ninja wasn't given the title 'Old War Hawk' without reason. As both old shinobi were trained by the Nidaime himself, the founding creator of both the ANBU and ROOT programs, Hiruzen believed that Danzo never pushed to the edge where Naruto is concerned because of the political and social ramifications of the boy learning the truth about his heritage. Considering Naruto's treatment and upbringing within the village, should his life thus far become known within the right circles it could lead to nothing good, whether via a personal visit by the Fire Daimyo himself or even plunging the Elemental Nations directly into the Fourth Shinobi World War.

Three days.

The report from T&I on the ANBU assigned to Naruto's apartment would be ready in three days. Not much time to prepare, but hopefully enough. Especially since the preliminary reports already indicated that the Hyuga assigned for the night, one Ko from the Branch Family, was found heavily drunk at a nearby bar. (Though, sadly, that situation had its own political can of worms considering the Main Branch members were literally able to order Branch Members to take their own lives, so breaching conduct while on ANBU assignment would not be impossible; Ko already found himself relieved of duty after Kakashi reminded him of that particular oversight.)

So the old kage watched the events within the magnificent crystal ball created by his successor and predecessor in silence, hoping his gambit with Ibiki paid off while taking another long puff of his favorite blend in hopes an idea would appear.

The other occupants of the kage's office varied from outright distain to silently chuckling amusement while watching the events unfolding within the Hokage's Crystal Ball. One woman's eyes narrowed dangerously at the uncouth child's perverted attire while another was actually drooling at the sight (unknown to the second woman, even if she saw her team passed she would probably never be a jonin-sensei. Shota is bad kiddies.). A handful of the males within the room withheld their own urges to face-palm alongside the chunin instructor. Two of the occupants weren't even paying attention to the events within the viewing crystal, one with his single eye completely enraptured by the contents of the thick orange book in his hand and the other actually unconscious due to an almost identical event to which happens only moments prior. (Instinctual substitution by the man with the orange book to escape incoming feminine righteous fury.)

"Is that his spleen?" one of the younger jonin asked excitedly, drawing the room's attention back to the viewing orb before he was silenced by a glare from the Hokage.

Kids these days have no respect.

Far off in Kiri, an elderly ninja with a seal-covered eye-patch over one eye sneezed, covering the beautiful red-haired woman hiding with him in snot.

"Ao. Do that again and I'll kill you."

Finally escaping his internal plotting, the Sandaime addressed the room as a whole, "We have a fine batch of potential genin this year. I expect complete evaluations tomorrow at sixteen hundred hours, which includes you Kakashi. No excuses."

"Hokage-sama!" the occupants chanted in unison before all twelve left the room by various means that not once included the door.

Sighing outwardly at the large piles of leaves, two puddles of water, a skin for Kami knows what animal, and a scorch mark, Hiruzen pressed the call button for his newest Secretary.

"I'll send the janitor up Hokage-sama," Clarice's voice called through the small box, used to her boss's needs after less than a week.

- 1 - 1 - 1 - 1 - 1 -

For once, Sasuke was somewhat enjoying himself while within the classroom walls of the Academy.

After the completion of the Team selections his fellow classmates had been led away three by three via the various jonin-senseis assigned to their created teams. Each team being lead away taking (at least) one more of the rabid unholy fangirls that had plagued his life through the last four years. For a brief moment Sasuke even held hope that, should be be assigned a female team-mate, the only girl left to be on his team would be the quiet and weak Hyuga Heiress. She might be a complete waste of space within the Shinobi program, but at least she is quiet.

Its not like anyone within the class will do anything but slow him down anyway.

"What the hell are you doing Naruto-baka?" Sakura demanded with her ...usual level of intensity.

Not that he could be that lucky.

Sasuke turned from glaring at what many considered his mortal enemy after giving the wall four years of death glares (besides his brother Itachi who massacred the entire Uchiha clan before torturing Sasuke's mind for three days straight in a span of as many seconds). Poor wall. It never did anything to anybody.

Sure enough, the blonde idiot was being weird. Again.

The acclaimed prodigy raised an eyebrow as he realized that Naruto, for once, had not addressed him a single time. No challenges to fight, no overly loud and annoying proclamations about this or that, nothing.

'_Come to think of it, the dobe didn't even pitch a fit or shout in victory over having the pink-haired banshee on our team when Iruka-sensei announced the teams.'_

Instead the blonde was entirely focused on the mangled and shredded chunks of orange that the Uchiha recognized as coming from the bright orange eye-watering monstrosity his new team-mate habitually wore. The noticeably absent monstrosity was actually one of the extremely few reasons Sasuke had to be grateful his Sharingan was yet to be unlocked. Can you imagine having the sigh of that THING burned into your brain for all time?

_'Oh Kami. He's trying to FIX it!'_

Sure enough, the once again disturbingly quiet blonde protagonist managed to create a makeshift needle from two paperclips, a rubber band, and a stick of wood (don't ask, it was giving Sasuke a headache just to look at it, despite how efficient the strange contraption appeared to be) before pulling a pile of shredded orange and blue from his pocket and setting to work.

_'What the HELL. The __**dobe**__ is the protagonist?'_

Ignoring that.

While his shinobi skills might have been below sub-par, far far far FAR below, Sasuke was forced to admit the dobe might actually have a life as a seamstress should he ever need it. The prodigy actually paused for almost a full fourth of a second to wonder what kind of life his team-mate must have lived to have such skill with a needle and thread at such a young age before his usual attitude pulled itself to the fore and Sasuke realized he just didn't care.

Watching his pink-haired team-mate through his peripheral vision (since she had an unholy ability to know when he actually looked at her), Sasuke was privately amused to note that despite her outburst Sakura's facial expressions were running the full gamut.

Confused. Now surprised. Annoyed. Back to confused. Interested. Pondering. Back to confused. VERY annoyed. Interested again.

Sasuke gave the pink-haired shrieking witch about ten seconds before she snapped like an overdrawn crossbow with a steel bolt three times too heavy. Despite hating his fangirls like the plague unleashed as punishment like a plague of locusts upon humanity that they were, Sakura and the blonde haired Yamanaka named Ino topping the list on his scorn, Sasuke attended the same classes at the same Academy where the soon-to-be-fodder kunoichi in training rarely gave him a moment's piece for four years. The Uchiha style of combat was focused on evaluating all...

"Naruto-baka!" _'There she goes.'_ "What are you doing?!" Sasuke was forced to actually put effort into maintaining his bored look, the tiniest of smirks hitting his lips for a second when Sakura grabbed the spinning contraption and yanking it away from Naruto.

Cue massive cursing spree from the blonde idiot when the second impromptu needle was buried almost an inch into his palm as the cloth it was destined for was pulled right out of his hand.

_'And this from the girl who claims to want nothing to do with him.'_

"Neh... Sakura-chan... " Naruto whined, complete with full on pouting. "I need um. Well." Sasuke _**almost **_raised and eyebrow at the near-rage look that crossed Naruto's face for a split second before vanishing back into the dobe's trademark goofy smile. "I gotta fix this for my new awesome jutsu!"

"Baka! What jutsu? Another disgusting perverted display? Bad enough what you pulled earlier, now this?"

Sasuke would deny vehemently that he was actually interested in Naruto's answer for all time, especially considering what happened next.

Credit where credit's due though, in less than twenty minutes Naruto managed to take a pile of strings and thread into a foot long orange flat of cloth at least three inches wide and a fourth of an inch thick with a thin blue stripe running down the middle.

Sasuke tried to look disinterested as the annoyance dismantled his machine and wove the flat of cloth around his forearm, "See, I put it on like this. I don't have it down completely yet but..."

Schtick.

"Whoa." Again, something Sasuke would deny. Uchiha's were surprised by nothing. Sasuke barely managed to dodge the bolt of flat razor-sharp cloth that stretched straight for his head out the back of Naruto's elbow. A frowning blonde channeled more chakra before snapping the cloth right back in place.

"Damnit! It's supposed to go forward -ttebayo!"

Sasuke blinked twice as he realized something felt different. If Sakura's growing look of horror was anything to go by, it probably wouldn't be something he would like.

"Sasuke-kun!" In a flash faster than most shushins Sakura appeared completely within his personal space irritating the raven haired boy to no end while grabbing at the back of his head. "Naruto-baka! Look what you did to poor Sasuke-kun!"

Naruto's response was fairly predictable, all things considered.

"By the Log's holy grace!" (Sakura was too spaced out to notice Sasuke's quiet "Amen.") "I fixed him! Oi. Teme! We can't call you duck-butt when you aren't around anymore!"

Sasuke's response was in no way predictable.

"What do you mean 'duck-butt' dobe?" he asked with a pointed glare and a promise of pain. Well, not entirely out of character. Give the guy a break though. It's not every day the biggest loser in the school gets the drop on you, turns out to be some sort of clothing savant, and shows off a jutsu he'd never seen before while getting the drop on you a second time.

"Um. You don't know?" Naruto asked in a confused voice, rubbing his temple with a knuckle as he asked the question.

"Know WHAT dobe?" Sasuke bit out angrily. If there was one thing he took the most pride in besides his intent to unlock his Sharingan, it was his looks.

"Neh..." Naruto gestured before a light bulb went off in his head, throwing up a quick transformation, "Your hair." He said while spinning around, gesturing at the pointed tuft of hair sticking straight up in the back of his now black hair, "It looks like a giant duck's ass. Funny as hell. It's like your mooning everybody. All the time."

Blink.

Blink.

Sakura started to say something, probably to yell at Naruto for insulting her Sasuke-kun, when the normally placid and composed genin almost exploded, "What THE hell, dobe! Why didn't anybody TELL me?!"

"Maa... We um.. thought you knew," the idiot replied before doing that whole irritating neck rubbing thing he does.

Blinking again at the irritating idiot, Sasuke decided to fall back on his usual hobby.

"Hn." Then he promptly glared at the wall.

"Ano. Sakura-chan. I need that back." Naruto's voice carried from behind the pissed off Uchiha. Sasuke ignored them both.

Roughly an hour and a half later, a rubber band tied to a string Naruto got from who knows where in the classroom wound up stuck in his hand. "Hold this for a minute teme." The raven-haired teen stared at it for a split second and decided to just take it so the blonde would just leave him the hell alone. The day had been frustrating enough as it was.

He would come to regret that.

- 1 - 1 - 1 - 1 - 1 -

Naruto was bored.

Extremely bored. Mind numbing lay frustratingly bored.

And hungry. Very hungry. Hungry to the point the rubber bands on Iruka's desk were starting to look good and Sakura-chan kept looking like a side of cotton-candy. The last time he actually had any food was before training himself into the ground the night before, since a shredded Gama-chan was empty this morning (though quickly repaired) and it tends to be difficult to buy food with no money. If had the time Naruto probably would have sent some clones to check over the Akimichi's refuse bins, but their clan restaurants were on the far side of the village from the Academy.

And still angry. Everything was destroyed. His precious was gone forever. Sure, he could patch up his precious jumpsuits, but after looking through the piles this morning it was quickly apparent that the vandals decided to take 'trophies' with them; namely every sleeve of every suit and all the pants.

So, in an attempt to not take out his frustrations out on his team-mates (Again) he decided to at least use the remains of his precious for the bangle jutsu ('SO gonna re-name that -ttebayo') since the last flat of cloth sort-of-exploded-a-little while training, though it probably wouldn't have been spared either come to think of it. The bastards even shredded his toad covered curtains.

_'Kill-cloth no jutsu. Perfect.'_

Unfortunately, that only took the first hour (including a clone making a trip to his apartment for more of the shreds) to make enough for mock arm and shin guards. If the bitch-fox (not to mention the manual from the library) could be believed, the right amount of chakra and some of his blood added to the cloth and he could harden all four into strong armor. Apparently it was an amazing jutsu with relatively low chakra cost to use, but very high (kage level) requirement to create since the materials had to be supercharged with pure chakra (the blood comes later) before the cloth was even formed. Something about creating the 'functional chakra imprint to prevent foreign flow disruption though neutral channels during pure manipulation'. The bitch-fox tried to describe it, but he ignored her figuring she should at least be happy he learned the damn jutsu. The description also said something about elemental ..reasoning?.. but Naruto figured he'd look into it later.

Luckily, chakra requirements weren't exactly a problem for one Uzumaki Naruto. The entire pile of shredded cloth in his apartment took a single sitting this morning to charge; only took about twenty minutes till it felt right. The scroll said it normally takes around three hours.

He'd be damned if his precious wasn't with him always.

In the far far reaches of his mind, a loud slap was heard as a palm met a face.

However, at this point, that was now over an hour ago. After nearly turning the floor under his desk to sawdust from vibrating in excitement for a full HOUR after finishing his kill-cloth, that was about the point where his hunger, anger, and boredom reached critical mass.

Had Naruto been in a better mood, the prank percolating within his mind after forcing the trio to wait this long probably would have only involved an eraser. With his current mindset?

Sakura shuddered at the devious, mischievous, almost demonic aura that emerged from the semi-feral blonde as his eyes narrowed into slits almost reminiscent of a canine while the whisker marks on his face became even more pronounced. The ANBU started placing bets. Sasuke glared at the wall.

Forty five minutes later, he handed a rubber band tied to one of the ropes from the pull-down board to Sasuke.

"Hold this for a minute teme."

- 1 - 1 - 1 - 1 -


	2. I'm on Fire!

A/N:

Don't expect me to post chapters weekly (or even monthly) as I am still a full-time worker, full-time husband and father of three, AND full-time college student. All three of these things come first, always. If you've seen the chapter-posting time-frames of my other stories, you have seen this one. My chapter/story posting always involves working on four chapters at a time for ONE story. Which means if I just posted a chapter for story A, and you want to to see something for story B, tough luck.

With the exception of 'What Else?', none of my stories/chapters have ever been posted without at least the next four chapters being "almost" complete. What Else is my gag/laugh story more than anything so... yeah...

See the end of the Chapter for Review-Answer/Discussions.

Also, in answer to the PM sent my way: Yes, Naruto does have a bloodline, and no, I don't think its one anyone has actually used before. If you follow the author "brown phantom" at all, my story will actually fully meet the criteria of his "Hidden Bloodline" challenge even if the story was not in any way written for the challenge (one of the reasons I never PM'd brown phantom when I read his story-challenge).

- 2 - 2 - 2 - 2 - I'm on FIRE!

Naruto grinned maliciously as the door opened before his eyes widened in horror and he sprang into action, grabbing four strings, the clone transformed into a rubber chicken, and (miraculously) caught the falling bucket with his toes as Iruka-sensei walked into the room with his head down and focused on the folder in his hands. Naruto barely breathed as he stood frozen for the tense half-minute before the grumbling chunin wandered back out of the room without even acknowledging the frozen blonde or his two amused team-mates.

When the door closed, Naruto snapped back into action resetting his traps before landing back at his desk to grab at the heart pounding in his ears.

_'WAY too close.'_

Before the prankster supreme finished catching his breath the door was opened by a smirking whitish-grey hair man with his hitai-ate slanted over his left eye. The man smirked at the foolish eraser falling from the air, and thus completely missed the next stages of Naruto's recently constructed House of Horror.

The overconfident jonin stepped further into his blind-spot on the left to dodge the grinning genin's seemingly idiotic prank straight into the looped rope on the ground (which used to be on the flagpole for the roof), yanking the shocked man in the air with a comically widened eye as he tracked a duo of buckets filled with flowers and roses flying at the now visibly worried man (compliments of the kunoichi training room), Naruto grinned even wider as the worried man forced the rope to swing backwards tripping another wire which caused two large buckets of oil to dump straight on his head (from the mess-hall), before swinging right back into the swarm of flower petals and rose stems.

Naruto feral smirk grew as the jonin tried to play cool and standing up while stoically ignoring his new Flower Power coat. The three now visibly interested teens smiled when the man sighed again as another tripwire bumped against his hair lighting a match and dragging it under his feet.

Sasuke and Sakura both freaked as the realized their boisterous, annoying, mischievous, and on most days completely harmless team-mate just lit their new sensei ON FIRE. Naruto merely pouted as the man vanished in puff of smoke he'd become intimately familiar with over the last week.

Roughly a minute later the door opened again and a familiar white-haired figure stuck his head in the door and looked at each of his new pupils in turn, "Mah mah. I'll by your jonin leader, and my first impression of you guys is... I hate you," turning he looked pointedly at Sasuke, "Especially you!"

Naruto cackled madly as Sasuke finally realized what he was still holding and practically threw the rope in his hand as if it was on fire. Considering the source and what just happened to the unidentified jonin, not actually as much of a fallacy in thinking as one might think.

The three genin hopefuls sweat-dropped in tandem, along with the ANBU hiding throughout the ceiling (though Hebi's ever present camera definitely snapped out a few pictures, the last five minutes had been GOLD), as the flying four-by-four (ah, the training yard) nailed the shocked and still unnamed jonin in the face, knocking him out like a light.

"THIS is a jonin?" Sasuke asked after a few minutes of numb silence.

Naruto nodded sagely after walking over to the downed man and peering at the growing goose-egg on his head. "Oi! Good one teme! But yeah, can't say much about the jonin's of our village though. They tend to sorta suck. I've been tricking, escaping, and my personal favorite pranking the poor bastards since I was five."

_'Weren't you seven when you hit Headquarters.'_

"Seven was the jonin, I was eight when I hit ANBU." Naruto answered distractedly as he shamelessly dug through the man's pockets looking for some spare clothes or even a sealed up fabric for a tent, not even realizing whose question he answered.

"What do you mean 'hit' ANBU dobe?"

Naruto put the politeness down to Sasuke's pride from being the one to land the 'killing blow' on a jonin, but answered anyway after a long pause to look over his rival. "I followed a couple of them without their masks, but in full uniform the idiots, back when I was eight and decided who better to teach ANBU about security then the most awesome ninja alive and future Hokage, -ttebayo! Two boxes of itching powder and my special super powerful awesome glue later and they learned their lesson! Never found their Headquarters again after that 'cause they started using a genjutsu I think. Anyway, I like to think of it as my personal contri... Um... addit... Um... I helped!"

Sasuke only scoffed in disbelief, but choked on it as an enraged purple haired ANBU launched herself at the blonde with her hands in a choke-hold from the ceiling before another appeared and dragged her away in a swirl of leaves that poor Iruka will probably be forced to clean up.

Naruto just blinked at the scene as he pocketed a wad of ryo from the unconscious jonin's wallet, blatantly robbing Team 7's new sensei right in front of a surprisingly clueless Sakura and Sasuke. Go go sticky palms. "Huh. Guess they haven't forgotten about that."

Sakura and Sasuke's jaws dropped as they realized that, for once, Naruto wasn't actually boasting. Naruto just chuckled and rubbed the back of his head while mumbling to himself about the pros and cons of fruit baskets versus enhanced stink bombs as viable methods for apologies.

Feeling his hunger coming back in spades now that he actually had money to do something about it, though only a little, he grabbed Iruka-sensei's pointer-stick and started poking and prodding the unconscious man. "Neh. Sakura-chan. What should we do now?"

"Why are you in this team dobe?" a surprisingly serious looking Sasuke demanded, a calculative and pensive gleam unhidden in his eyes.

Naruto replied in usual Uzumaki fashion. "Urg… Huh?" Keeping his exterior demeanor cheerful, Naruto was internally surprised. His Rival, the elite, last loyal Uchiha, the Village's golden child, the Rookie of the Year, the teme himself had been treating him like an equal for the entire conversation. HIM. The dead-last, the clanless loser hated by the entire village was talking to HIM like an equal.

_'Finally.'_ he thought with a serene smile on his face with his turned back to his new team, _'Maybe Jiji's right. They will be my team. A family.'_

Sasuke started talking about... something and asked some questions, but honestly Naruto completely tuned him out and was going to go for his normal answer of 'I'm just that awesome.' before an unexpected translator started to talk.

_'He means that this team was built to take down really strong bad guys head on with almost no subtlety. With your skills you should be the heavy hitter on a team designed to take down the bad guys without them even knowing you are there. He gave the example of replacing Kiba on the red-eyed lady's team.'_ Hana translated while Sasuke just stood silently while looking at Naruto with that calculative glare.

_'Uh. Thanks.'_ Naruto thought to the Fox, not entirely unappreciative despite being ninety-nine percent certain her entire persona was created purely as a giant ruse to trick Naruto into doing something to get the Fox out of her cage.

"Um... I dunno. Jiji just assigned me to this team I guess," Naruto evaded badly after a few minutes, the bitch-fox and the things he'd learned about jinchuriki in the library coming to mind as answers to Sasuke's question, yet answers Naruto stood unwilling to give.

It seemed like the perfect answer to Naruto, but since he kept his back to his new team as he continued to poke their new sensei, he completely missed two pairs of eyes narrow dangerously.

- 2 - 2 - 2 - 2 -

Ignoring outward appearances, the jonin lying on the floor only pretended to be unconscious. Well for now anyway, the four-by-four did actually manage to knock him out for almost a full minute (not that he noticed the rather talented genin swiping his wallet). The man, Hatake Kakashi by name, wanted to know where this would go.

Despite all Academy records to the contrary, these three genin hopefuls (though only he knew the fact that the trio are hopefuls and not actual genin) were actually working together with something skin to true camaraderie. His sensei's son (the blonde idiot) certainly seemed ...different than expected, especially going so far as to set him ON FIRE, but all things considered over the past week that could be noted as a rather (extremely) mild outward effect of far too much stress for someone barely out of the Academy to handle.

"So... Ideas?" This coming from the blonde, Kakashi detected a slight note of guilt in Naruto's voice despite the fact that the blonde troublemaker continued to poke him with a stick.

"Naruto-baka," _'Ah, the brainy fangirl.'_ "Well, he could have a concussion, so maybe we should take him to the hospital. Sasuke-kun?"

"Hn." Kakashi heard a distinct snort and could almost sense the boy's frown. _'And there's that indomitable, unmoving, and apathetic Uchiha spirit,'_ he thought to himself in amusement.

"You're probably right teme. I think he's faking too." '_Wait what? And did he just translate that?'_

"Idiot! Like a jonin would just sit there and let you poke him with a stick."

"Hn." Another snort.

"Agreed teme. We'll test it. If he's really out, he's not gonna notice if we burn that book. Of all the sensei's, we get the perverted one." Kakashi tried to keep himself from going pale at the direction this discussion seemed to be heading.

"That one?" Sakura asked with uncertainty, before a steely vengefulness entered her voice. "Is that...? BURN IT!"

"Sasuke. You'll do the honors?"

"Hn."

"Thanks. Hehe. This is going to be so awesome, -ttebayo!"

_'__**MY PRECIOUS**__.'_ Giving up his act for a bad job as soon as he felt the raven haired teen gather his chakra, Kakashi vanished from the floor, grabbed his book, smacked the blonde annoyance with the damn stick, and re-appeared lazily reading his precious porn a few feet away.

Though he did feel bad when Naruto actually jumped backwards straight into the fireball Sasuke just launched.

"Kill-cloth GO!"

_'Well that's new.'_

The reason for the two surprisingly well-tailored cloth arm-guards on his new student became readily apparent when one of them formed a chakra laced shield In front of the blonde.

_'Looks like he still has a few control issues though. Maa.'_

Kakashi's one visible eye looked straight up, easily piercing the generic cloaking jutsu in use by those assembled above, to see the ceiling pierced by the second swath of cloth, millimeters south of Boar's crotch, a split second before a discreet flash went off from Hebi's direction.

_'Ah. New guy. He won't be living that one down.'_

"Maa maa. No need for that. As I was saying before being rudely interrupted. I'll be your jonin instructor and team leader. Since I'm having serious issues with the current environment and blondie over there smells like he hasn't bathed in a week, meet me on the roof in five." Statement delivered, Kakashi vanished in a shunshin, leaving three annoyed genin grumbling loudly before following suit.

A few minutes after the four left the room, grumbling and cursing came from seven of the eight ANBU as a great deal of ryo changed hands.

Even though he lost, Cat kept the smile hidden under his mask for long hours after everyone left. The pictures currently on his little camera would be worth much more than a measly 1000 ryo. Especially considering how much Hebi would want proof to hang up on her wall when she realized that SOMEONE managed to remove the film from her camera.

Meanwhile at the Hall of... err... on the roof, Kakashi enjoyed a good five minute staring contest before Sasuke managed to snap. "Are you seriously a jonin? This is ridiculous." Too frustrated, and for ONCE actually shy, the pink-haired girl merely nodded her head as she stared at this all new Sasuke.

Naruto's teeth were working overtime on the ropes Kakashi tied him up in as he growled so much like an animal Kakashi started wondering if the hyperactive idiot might actually move to gnaw his legs off. Wouldn't help with the tape over his mouth, but Naruto managed to get through a decent amount of rope despite that particular obstacle hindering his objective.

_'Is this what you saw sensei?' _The silver-haired jonin thought to himself while looking over the cherub and underdeveloped faces of the three youths on the roof with him._ 'They're just children.'_

"So let's get to know each other since we'll be a team now. Likes, dislikes, hobbies, dreams for the future. That sort of thing."

Kakashi watched his cute little genin as Sakura looked to Sasuke and ... well ... Sasuke completely ignored the jonin to continue glaring at whatever it is he actually hates about the poor walls of the Academy. (Read: Trying not to laugh at Naruto getting his comeuppance after the stunts he'd been pulling all morning.)

Anyway. As she probably realized her precious Sasuke-kun taking the lead couldn't happen Kakashi smirked when the fangirl tried to play it cool by turning his own question back on him. "Why don't you go first Kakashi-sensei, you know, so we know what to do." The jonin watched in silent amusement for a moment when Naruto paused in his efforts to gnaw through the Fuinjutsu and chakra reinforced duct tape (ANBU planned to test that particular roll on the blonde for nearly a year) and the three inch thick ropes to stare at the fangirl with an incredulous expression on his face.

"Maa. My name is Hatake Kakashi, elite jonin of Konohagakure. I dislike many things, hmm my likes are probably something best left undiscussed in present company. I have several hobbies. My dreams for the future? Hmm. Yea." He absolutely loved the little kiddies incredulous expressions. Even the emo stopping hating the wall for a minute to give him a glare. _'Good times. Good times.'_

"Why don't you go next Pinky?"

For the sanity of the author, her response has been edited to the following: "I apparently have tons of potential, but I'm current an idiotic fangirl that should probably be thrown off a cliff or forced to read through 'Lustmord' or 'A Clockwork Orange' to learn what can really happen in life."

Wasn't that better?

_'Do we even HAVE those books in this universe?'_

Ignoring that.

"Okay, emo. You're up next."

The former ANBU Captain pretty much knew what Sasuke planned on saying so he decided to indulge his favorite hobby for a minute while ignoring the wanna-be avenger. _'Oh Shizuke-chan. You and Kusnade-chan are such naughty, naughty girls...'_

"... and if I had a hobby, it would be finding out how in the hell the dobe ended up on a clean-team if he could breach ANBU HQ at eight."

"Good good. You're next... Wait what? Never-mind. You're up next blondie." Kakashi quickly silenced Sasuke with a wave while moving on, that particular topic being an area of conversation that the jonin had no intentions of letting be explored when he happened to be anywhere nearby.

Naruto jumped straight up, his strange cloth armguard slicing through the ropes as he mumbled something into the tape over his mouth. With his hands free, he shouted his response as soon as he ripped the tape off. "My name is Uzumaki Nar... Oh my KAMI. The pain! It hurts! It hurts!"

Deciding to just ignore the hyperactive boy holding his face (and the trace amounts of blood leaking through his fingers), Kakashi decided that it was time to move on. "That's great Naruto-kun. Fantastic. Each of you. Meet me at Training Ground 3 at six a.m. for your final exam to become genin!"

Just as he thought he'd make a successful escape, the pink haired annoyance spoke up and stopped him. Stupid propriety.

"Excuse me Kakashi-sensei, but we already passed the exam." As if to emphasize her statement, she lifted up the headband hanging from her neck. "We've been genin for a full week now."

_'If she tightened it, I could see protecting her neck from being slit, but as it stands she has it more in the way than anything else. Tch. Fangirls.'_

"Maa maa. You've only taken the test to determine whether you held the potential to become genin. As your jonin-sensei and team leader, it is up to me to decide whether the three of you actually have what it takes to be ninja of the Leaf!" Kakashi said in a completely monotone voice without bothering to look up from the porn he blatantly pulled out to read in front of them. Despite his monotone form of speech, the gathered trio detected a very transparent mocking tenor to his placid voice.

"No way! Do you have any idea what I had to do to get this headband!" Naruto screamed in outrage, a snarl escaping his lips as he glared heatedly at their new sensei. "No way can anyone make me give it up! Not after I almost got killed for it -ttabayo!"

"Maa, sorry Naruto-kun, but that's the way it is." Grinning, the new team leader decided to have fun with his protesting students and dumped a little killer intent their way while adding a slight demonic visage to his face via a subtle genjutsu despite still reading his book, "Tomorrow will decide your Fate! The test you will be taking has a 66% failure rate! Better make sure you're ready for it brats. It's going to be survival training to the _extreme_."

Despite shaking like a leaf, Kakashi had to be impressed when the Pinky still managed to struggle through the leaking killer intent to ask a question, "We... We've already done tons of survival exercises at the Academy sensei. What. What do you mean by extreme?"

"Because tomorrow you'll have to survive me," he said while narrowing his visible eye to glare at the three shaking students, "Words to the wise kickidies, I wouldn't eat breakfast tomorrow. You'll just throw it up."

This time he succeeded in pulling a shunshin to get the hell out of there before the three managed to get over their shock, landing opposite the teens on the roof of the building to see how the kids would react now that the team had been 'officially' dismissed until the next morning.

The last team, which failed, spent almost four hours comparing strengths and weaknesses of the three members before settling on a fairly solid plan for a number of strategic survival scenarios (outlined by the Aburame of the team. One who didn't live for the 'Swarm' aka, team. Oddball that one). After the planning session, they traded contact information such as their phone numbers, preferred restaurants, and addresses to ensure that in case of an emergency the three would be able to ensure to-the-minute contact between them.

Each of the previous prospective teams, that he purposely prevented passing, predominantly put paid to pretty much the entire evening pondering possible proactive plans to pass the potentially pernicious survival exercise their porn-reading sensei perhaps might provoke them with.

'_Where the hell did that come from?'_

Ignoring that.

Anyway. Needless to say, Kakashi was extremely interested in just what plans these three might create (and wanted to know them ahead of time to break them all).

The scholarly fangirl, with an intellect said to rival a Nara. The genius prodigy, records only slightly below his brother and only prevented from fast-tracking thanks to the outcome of the same brother and his cousin Shisui (due to both having gone pretty much loco shortly after hitting ANBU at age thirteen, at least as far as the official story goes). Finally, last but certainly not least, the idiot-savant prankster-from-hell, last of the Uzumaki, Prank-Master extraordinaire, and inheritor of the true Will of Fire.

If any team for the last fifty years could be said to have the same potential as the Sennin, Kakashi couldn't think of any better. To be honest, the soon to be jonin-sensei (provided the brats passed tomorrow) was almost giddy in excitement over what plans the three might come up with.

"Sasuke-kun! Now that we're on a team, do you want to go on a date with me?! You know, to get to know each other better?" the fangirl simpered, causing both Sasuke and Kakashi to visibly shudder. (There's a REASON he wears the mask. Fangirls are kami's punishment on mankind, second only to fanboys.)

"Hn. Get lost. I'm going to train." By the time he finished his short statement, though not before sending a calculative glance at Naruto, the raven-haired emo (_'Huh. I didn't notice, but he's not mooning us anymore.'_) already turned his back and leapt from the roof.

"Hey Sakura-chan! Do you..."

WHAM!

Kakashi gave a silent whistle as the girl managed to launch his sensei's son straight off the building and passed the borders of the Academy property with only a single punch.

'_By the Log. She's a tsundere __**AND**__ Tsunade's Heir!'_

The stunned jonin realized the team didn't even make a single plan as Pinky's shoulders slumped as she headed for the door to exit the roof, her melancholy almost tangible as it hung in the air.

'_Girl's got issues.'_ Kakashi noted sagely with a satisfied nod of his head as he pulled out his precious and started walking away.

The eight now thoroughly bored ANBU gave sharp nods in agreement. Despite his words not being spoken aloud.

- 2 - 2 - 2 - 2 -

'_Get breakfast.'_

'_I'm FAR too tired bitch-fox. Shut. Up.'_

Leaning tiredly against one of the three training posts, still clad in his black boxers and small-sized t-shirt (since the annoying jonin managed to steal his ryo back), Naruto wasn't exactly in the mood for 'pleasantries' this morning. The only reason he'd even eaten anything in the last day was due to a rather unlucky rabbit that, considering the collar on its neck, managed to escape from whoever used to own it.

Thinking back to the animal he tried to chase down before the rabbit showed up caused the blonde to give an involuntary shudder.

'_Stupid demon-cat...'_

'_I don't know why ni-san, but I'm pretty sure the cat's name was Tora.'_

However, though he did manage to have a good meal, he only finished cooking said rabbit around two in the morning. Considering it was now four and a half hours later, and he'd been waiting for their tardy sensei for a half an hour already, it shouldn't be much of a surprise that Naruto started nodding off.

'_**YOU NEED BREAKFAST!**__'_

"AAHHH! I'm awake. I'm awake." Blinking the sleep back out of his blood-shot eyes and trying to rub the bags out, Naruto ignored Sasuke and Sakura's raised eyebrows as he tried to get his breathing under control after the bitch-fox almost caused another heart attack.

'_Let me put it simply. You heal using nutrients from what you eat. You don't need sleep idiot, you need FOOD. GET FOOD.'_

Naruto sighed and rolled his eyes, '_Sensei will be here any minute and I need to pass this test. Bastard fox.'_

'_Two words ni-san. Shadow. Clone. Also, I um... feel that he isn't going to be here until 11. Not sure why, but I know I'm right. Can you really go the next six hours without food?'_

Naruto's response was a hearty wince as he rubbed at his poor stomach; he still refused to get food though. Kakashi-sensei said no food, so he wasn't getting food.

'_Besides,'_ the fox-girl muttered loud enough for Naruto to hear, _'Isn't this a survival exercise? What if he wants the three of you to survive somewhere without edible flora or fauna for three days? Like a cave or something?'_

Naruto just ignored her, he'd be damned if he let the know it all figure out he didn't have a clue what that was. Unfortunately for the blonde Hero, he forgot one crucial fact. She was _literally_ inside his head. He couldn't actually hide his thoughts from her.

Face. Meet palm. The two of you will get on like a house on fire.

'_Flora and fauna. Plants and animals. You know, like berries for plants and rabbits for animals. The only things you'll find in a cave are spiders and mold.'_

Naruto massaged his tired brain with sore hands compliments of last-minute training while running after small woodland creatures the previous night. _'If I get something to eat, will you SHUT UP?'_

'_Yes.'_

'_Fine.'_

Sakura just watched silently as Naruto summoned up a clone and sent it running before flopping back down to sleep until it came back. Sasuke just glared at the poor bridge.

Seriously, what does the kid have against wood?

Around forty-five minutes later, a highly annoyed clone returned to find his 'Boss' snoring loudly with a pile of drool leaking down his neck. Figuring it wouldn't hurt to be nice to his Boss, the clone decided to wake him in the nicest manner.

He dropped the trio of dead squirrels and carefully maneuvers the cloth from his right arm into a shield like the boss used the day before. Then he reared back and clocked the sleeping boy right in the face with it before vanishing in a puff of smoke. "WAAAAAHHH!... oh. Stupid clone." Checking his watch, Naruto was annoyed to note it was fifteen till eight already, with no sign of their extremely tardy sensei. Huffing, he figured he should at least deal with the meat since squirrels were small enough the meat tended to spoil quickly.

Summoning a handful of clones to grab some lemon-grass for at some flavoring and to nab some of the petunia's from the edge of the training ground for their insides, Naruto himself picked up a handful of sticks while the last two clones dug out a crude fire-pit. Two matches were tossed on to a pile of dried shaving Naruto was quick to make with his kunai as the fire lit up barely a minute later.

That right there, though Naruto never knew it, was the moment Sasuke pretty much gave up thinking of Naruto as the dead-last forever. Naruto remained blissfully unaware, and frankly was too hungry to care, that both of his team-mates were carefully watching as the blonde used a single kunai to skillfully split, skin, chop, clean, and wrap the meat from all three squirrels in three separate wraps (made from the lemon grass with the petunia petals stuck inside against the skin).

By the time he finished the wraps fifteen minutes later, the fire carefully tended by one of his clones already held merrily glowing coals where the three were placed.

"Where did you learn that dobe?" Sasuke demanded his pride and ego in full effect despite his newfound respect for the blonde.

"Eh..." Naruto muttered in an embarrassed manner while rubbing the back of his head, "Here and there teme. Here and there." As if there was any way in hell Naruto would tell the golden boy of Konoha he spent nearly a year living off the land on the outskirts of the village at age six, learning trapping and hunting as a survival method instead of an extra credit class at the Academy (that both Sakura and Sasuke skipped).

By nine, the impromptu breakfast was almost finished cooking and all three teens had growling stomachs from the wonderful scents filling the small clearing. Carefully balancing the wraps on two sticks, the blonde survival expert skillfully tossed the trio of tightly wrapped and mouth watering succulence on the top of one of the four-foot wide training posts to cool, drooling at the smells emanating from his own cooking masterpieces.

Knowing Jiji said to never eat in front of others without offering to share the meal, Naruto stared balefully at his delicious smelling breakfast while cursing his good-nature. He almost broke down as he asked, "Ne... Sakura-chan... teme... do you... argh... do you want some?" Never let it be said that Uzumaki Naruto didn't know how to share. He might not enjoy it, but he could do it; well, when the almighty ramen wasn't involved.

Twin growls drove the nail into the coffin on the poor blonde's soon to be un-satiated hunger. The three squirrels barely equated an afternoon snack with Naruto's enhanced metabolism. Eating quickly, Naruto got a shock as Sasuke actually helped him clean up the mess and hide the remains. "Don't look into it dobe. Sensei said not to eat; I'm just helping to hide the evidence."

Naruto just nodded dumbly, especially when the angelic Sakura-chan actually deigned to give her magnificent assistance as well. By the time everyone ate their fill and buried the remains, only another forty-five minutes passed. Well, by the time Sasuke and Sakura had their fill; Naruto carefully hid his anime tears as his team-mates devoured two thirds of his (admittedly small) breakfast, his pink-haired goddess even going so far as to throw out a good half of the meat from her squirrel.

By ten o'clock, the un-satiated blonde reached a level that spoke of danger and ill tidings to any who were unfortunate enough to become his targets through his pranking career as early as age five and forced a number of respectable shinobi into trauma-induced retirement over the last eight years.

Naruto was bored.

- 2 - 2 - 2 - 2 -

'_Who IS he?'_

Haruno Sakura is a proud (pathetic, weak, anorexic, fangirlish) kunoichi of the Leaf.

Dedicated to career as a ninja (to get into the pants of the Emo formerly known as Duck-Butt) and proudly the most intelligent kunoichi to graduate the Academy in the last two decades (this one's actually true). As a civilian turned shinobi, Sakura knew when she joined the Academy that the road forward would be long and arduous. Teamed with the Rookie of the Year and all around prodigy, the only downside to her good fortune and saving grace came from the complete idiot assigned to her team as well.

Or at least that's what she originally thought as recently as twenty-four hours ago.

Since he angrily stalked his way into the classroom yesterday, the biggest loser of their class managed to knock out her crush Sasuke-kun, dodge retribution for said behavior (which he never once did before), set a JONIN on fire, knock the same jonin out, turned out to be a seamstress savant, a survivalist savant, _and_ started using a justu she'd never seen in use before.

A jutsu that, if the Academy Library (something Naruto doesn't even know exists to this day) could be believed, required kage-level chakra reserves to even utilize.

It made no sense. What happened to the happy go lucky class-clown and all around idiotic loser she'd known for over four years? Where should she be looking to find the moron she'd always known (and avoided like the plague despite his annoying, repeated propositions)? Because the strange boy that spent the last couple of hours intermittently growling at the world in general certainly bears little resemblance to the Uzumaki Naruto she's known since a very young age.

Sakura wracked her (admittedly large) brain for a single instance in living memory of Naruto being anything BUT a goofy and happy to lucky annoyance before team selections the day before. After a few minutes thought she came up blank. Yet Naruto remained, sitting only a few feet away, in a simmering rage that frankly unnerved the young kunoichi. His behavior over the last twenty-four hours was all but unnatural.

If Naruto really defined the Academy's standards on 'dead-last,' where did she stand? Sure, she received the highest marks among the kunoichi, but honestly the only real competition had been Ino. Ami, despite being a huge bothersome bully, never managed to get anything near good aim with throwing weapons. The only other true contender, Hinata, wasn't even allowed to train thrown weapons outside of the classroom environment by her clan. Where did ANY of the kunoichis in training really stand?

Checking her watch (AGAIN), she sighed as Naruto's clones continued to set up traps EVERYWHERE that, despite her eidetic memory and huge intelligence, she'd started to lose track of what the blonde enigma placed where a full fifteen minutes prior. Four and a half HOURS. Their sensei better have a DAMN good reason for being this late or he was going to PAY.

'_**Beat his ass! Sharanno!**__'_

Looking around idly as her attention drew back to the present, Sakura nearly jumped as she realized she couldn't MOVE. Traps layered on traps layered on traps with layers of fail-safes surrounded her and the unmoving Sasuke on all sides as half a dozen clones continued to widen the ring of traps and pranks.

'_**STUPID WOOD! STOP BOTHERING SASUKE-KUN! SHARANNO!**__'_

Sakura wasn't the most intelligent kunoichi of her year for nothing though. She almost instantly noticed that the clones never stepped anywhere but on the carefully laid flower petals around the clearing.

'_Why would he create such elaborate traps with such a glaring flaw?'_

'_**Because Naruto-baka's an IDIOT! He's just trying to make Sasuke-kun look bad! Sharanno!'**_

'_That... is true.'_

Their sensei, finally arriving at precisely 11 am, apparently felt the same way. The grey haired jonin appeared in a grandiose stance, complete with eye-smile, via leaf-shunshin swirling up from the ground on the exact spot one of the Naruto clones just vacated.

Sakura didn't even notice the clones, the original, and Sasuke's feral smirks as they turned to watch the jonin. She was too busy standing up to give the perpetually tardy jonin a piece of her mind. She locked eyes (eye?) with the one-eyed man with a glare while taking a deep breath.

'_**You tell him girl!**__'_

Before she could even start her well dictated, revised, and hyphenated rant, the eye-contact broke, a single fluttering purple flower petal descending between them.

The same petal the clone just jumped off of.

All hell broke loose.

'_What is WITH those two and fire?'_ Sakura asked in amazement and more than a little fear.

Over the last five minutes no less than four clones of the jonin went up in flames, three of them courtesy of Sasuke (at Naruto's prompting). Sakura actually had to take credit for the last one when the pervert appeared right in front of her reading that book again.

The first proposition Sakura ever accepted from the blonde pyro in her entire life of trying to get the blonde idiot to leave her the hell alone happened to be the match a widely grinning Naruto offered her when their jonin-sensei appeared holding said book.

'_**Sharanno! Naruto-baka did something right for once!**__'_

'_Yeah, but where did he GET all this stuff? He doesn't even have POCKETS for crying out loud and its isn't like our kunai pouches are really that big.'_

' _***shrug* **__'_

'_Thanks a lot.'_

The real Kakashi (as evidenced by the distinct burns on his clothes) finally appeared, his narrowed eye flitting about the clearing like a hummingbird on crack before he relaxed. Slightly.

"Fine. You pass." he stated with an extremely annoyed tone. "First rule. THERE WILL BE NO SETTING ME ON FIRE. EVER. **NO EXCEPTIONS**!" Killing intent practically flooded the clearing from the irritated jonin as he screamed his instructions, releasing it only when three frightened nods were given from the now kneeling genin.

For the first time since being assigned to this team, Naruto actually did something Sakura could predict.

"Urg... huh? Wait. We pass?" Yep. Pretty much right on the money.

"The object of the days survival exercise was three-fold," their still-irritated sensei explained over his book with a wan eye-smile, "The first test was critical thinking. Food is a requirement for a shinobi. We MUST have the necessary nutrients and protein to replenish our chakra reserves and allow our muscles to grow. Without a healthy diet of meats, vegetables, and fatty contents, we are worthless as ninja. Sakura. Sasuke. You both failed in this, but luckily your team-mate understood the necessity of being fully charged prior to a fight and shared his breakfast with you, despite an obvious reluctance on his part as his high metabolism requires a great deal more nutrients than most." The eye focused on Sakura and Naruto in turn as he said this, irritating Inner-Sakura to no end.

'_**Sasuke-kun won't go for fatties! Sharrano!**__'_

"The second lesson gave focus to preparation. You each were aware you would be fighting me today. **Me**! A jonin, someone that each of you individually would have very little chance of defeating in straight combat for at _least_ the next two to three years if you are l-u-c-k-y. You were given hours to come up with a plan, or in your case, set traps, to increase your chances of success. Sakura. Sasuke. You both failed in this also." Sakura wanted to defend herself, and especially Sasuke, but honestly, they DID both just sit there while Naruto turned the entire clearing into a massive undeniable death-trap of stabbity burnanating DOOM.

"These two lessons were both vital to your growth as shinobi, however the third lesson was the only one that you were each required to pass and truly become genin of the Leaf. Anyone guess what it might be?" Naruto scratched his head and seemed to zone out for a minute. Sakura tried to figure out what their sensei meant by his statement, but just didn't see a direction. Sasuke glared at the hated wood of the training post. "No-one?"

"Ah... ano..." three sets of eyes turned to Naruto as he shyly raised his hand like a _normal_ student from the Academy (normal, since Naruto never actually raised his hand to talk during Academy years). "Is it team-work?"

Sakura got the impression Naruto might have been truly offended when all three of them threw their hands together and screamed "KAI!" to dispel whatever genjutsu might have been cast. Not like she cared since Naruto is an idiot, but she did notice; then quickly forgot about it.

"I'm... impressed Naruto-kun," their sensei said with a proud eye-smile, earning a nearly blinding smile and an eye-roll from the blonde. (_'Seriously, how much teeth-whitener does he USE? Thank kami I don't have to deal with a smile like THAT every day. Its painful!')_

Elsewhere, a girl with her hair up in buns wearing a kimono got the sudden urge to kill something via pointy painful death.

A white-eyed Hyuga with a forty-foot long pole hidden somewhere unpleasant and two green clothed sycophants were in for a very long day without any of the four even knowing the reason.

"And why do you say team-work Naruto-kun?" The annoyance ('_**How dare he show up Sasuke-kun! Sharanno!**_') seemed to space out again for a minute while trying to put his thoughts into words, or so Sakura assumed.

"Well um... the other two things were basic things you need, you know? We have to eat and we have to set up enough traps each night to not get killed in our sleep..." Unknown to Sakura, her thoughts actually mirrored her crush for a moment. _'Not get killed in our sleep? Traps strong enough to take down a JONIN?'_ "... so I guess I figured you meant after you got here." Spaced out again... and back. "So I kinda guessed um... you said it was survival against you, and well. We did. It took all three of us, since I can only make so many matches and the teme can make the giant fireballs, but we did it together..."

"So um... yeah." By now Naruto's cheeks were a bright flaming red with his head bowed and eyes firmly focused on the sandals on his feet scratching at the dirt in embarrassment. If Sakura were to be honest with herself the behavior gave him an adorable look there for a minute. Not attractive, just hilariously adorably cute.

'_**No way in hell! Only bad authors run the Saku/Naru! Sharanno!'**_

Ignoring that.

Sakura watched their new sensei for his reaction, wondering just why there was so much pity in Kakashi-sensei's visible eye for a split-second (mirroring her crush once more) before the man beamed openly. "Very well done Naruto-kun!"

The cheerful, carefree jonin vanished in front of her eyes and a hardened warrior with his eye as hard as granite emerged. "Remember this if I teach you three NOTHING else. Those who break the rules are trash, but those who abandon their comrades are worse than trash. Follow me." The clipped tone he delivered the order in gave no room for discussion or questions. Sakura found herself moving with Naruto and Sasuke at her sides before Kakashi even finished spinning on his heel as he stalked out of the clearing.

Fifteen minutes later, the foursome stopped in front of a large round stone with dozens, if not hundreds, of names carved all over it. Sakura noticed Sasuke and Naruto both nod sadly, identical painful guilt-ridden faces on each boy.

Neither boy spoke even as both clasped their hands and bowed with their eyes closed for a moment.

"Sakura? These two obviously recognize what this is. Do you?"

"No, Kakashi-sensei." Sakura answered honestly, having never heard of anything that could have such importance to Sasuke-kun despite all of her research and years of study throughout the many libraries in the village.

"This is the memorial stone. Every ninja who has ever died in the service of the Leaf Village is carved upon this stone, with the exception of those lost during specific Black Ops missions. Never forget your missions, but as members of Team 7, I expect you do each do everything humanly possible to ensure that NONE of your team-mates ever earns a place on this stone. Trust your team-mates to take care of themselves, but always watch their backs. Every one of you. Is that understood?"

"Hai!" Naruto growled out, surprisingly echoed quietly by Sasuke moments later.

"Good. Get some sleep. We start training tomorrow Team 7. Training Ground 7. Six am. Don't be late."

Sakura tried to go off on the lackadaisical jonin about being late himself, but he managed to disappear before she even took a breath.

- 2 - 2 - 2 - 2 -

"He had an interesting question the other day, did he not?"

Blinking sluggishly, Naruto tried to get his brain to properly engage as he looked around for the source of the voice. "Neh, who Iruka-sensei?"

The voice sounded the same, but Naruto felt ...strange. Not to mention the pale tone of the man's skin. Iruka-sensei never went anywhere without an enviable tan. If the man ever went anywhere but the Academy and the Hokage's Tower Iruka would probably have his own hoard of rabid, vicious, uncontrollably evil fangirls to rival that of Kakashi (before the silver-haired jonin wised up and started reading porn in public).

"Sensei is fine for now. The Uchiha. He asked why you would be placed on such a team. Why do you think?" Naruto started to focus on the man, but a split second later just decided it didn't matter what he looked like.

"Um... Well. Sasuke said with Sakura-chan's chakra control she could be a medic or use genjutsu, right?" Naruto semi-stated and semi-asked, thinking back to Hana's ideas on the discussion.

_'Yes Naruto-ni. She also has a great deal of taijutsu potential. Your sensei is known as Copycat Kakashi. He is a true ninjutsu powerhouse and the only other person within the village having a Sharingan. Sasuke's Sharingan has not awakened yet, though he is the perfect protégé for Kakashi.'_

Something in Naruto was confused about the presence of the red-headed girl wearing a simple lavender kimono and sitting on the fur blankets a few feet away, but he really couldn't remember why. He became distracted from the conversation for a moment when he saw her eyes. It felt like looking into a purple-tinted mirror. Crystalline purple eyes studied him with the same confusion he studied her. Both of them trying to make a connection that just refused to snap together in their heads.

"So... Um... Because of," he trailed off grabbing his stomach, "my ...condition, I got a placed on a powerhouse team?"

The plain-faced man nodded silently. "And other reasons?"

"Um... That's all I got." Naruto replied after a few seconds.

_'I cannot think of anything else.'_ the strange girl stated quietly, a dejected and depressed demeanor crossing her features.

He nodded again, still emotionless. "Perhaps it would help to look at history as you consider. Look underneath the underneath as you'll find your new sensei is fond of saying."

Naruto's face scrunched up in a frown. "Underneath the underneath?"

_'He means there are always multiple reasons for things ni-san. Mizuki-teme had you steal the scroll to trick you and get you in trouble, but he really wanted to steal it from the village and kill you. Getting you in trouble was only his backup plan.' _Naruto's face slowly returned to normal as he came to understand the strange girl's translation.

"So neh... history of what Sensei?"

"The village, the Uchiha, the history of jinchurkis in general. Take your pick. For example, where was the Kyuubi seen last before It attacked the day you were born?"

The blonde thought hard, ignoring how sluggish his brain felt, trying to remember something about the Kyuubi before his favorite Hokage defeated It. Hokage. Defeated.

"I got it!" The red-head showed some surprise, having been trying to answer the same question. "Ma.. Ma.. Um. The Mada guy attacked the Shodaime after the Leaf Village formed and summoned the Kyuubi to help him fight!" Finally being able to read those Academy books from the Library really helped.

_'Uchiha Madara?'_ the red-head clarified.

"Yeah! That's him!"

"So," the Sensei prompted in his monotone voice, "the Kyuubi controlled by Madara, the Sharingan, and the Village. How might this event in history have bearing on your new team?"

Naruto made no connection between his team and the fight. There just wasn't one he could make. The red-head thought she had an idea, but...

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!

"Oh man, what a weird damn dream," Naruto muttered as he awoke, glaring heatedly at his blaring alarm clock. Again his sheets were practically soaked through, the parched blonde grateful that, unlike many other renters, his bill for water was a set fee as part of his lease agreement. Since a few days, maybe evens once that horrid night with Mizuki and Iruka-sensei, Naruto started almost every morning recently guzzling down a gallon of two of water. He'd been sweating almost at a constant despite the relative lack of training compared to his normal standards before joining Kakashi-sensei's team.

Two weeks.

Two weeks of nothing but all day training sessions filled with nothing but team-work exercises. No missions. No training (as a team at least). No jutsu. No time to hunt, though at least he managed to gather enough energy for a few clones each morning or he wouldn't have been eating either.

Nothing.

The damn secretary wouldn't let him in to see Jiji about all his stolen stuff and the only clothes he'd had time to make after Kakashi-teme's dawn to dusk 'teamwork exercises' was a couple pairs of pants, another t-shirt, and some underwear.

Naruto might not have much pride, but enough. His team-mates might wonder about his threadbare clothes (they didn't), but they haven't asked about it once and he never made the mistake of making more than bolts of cloth when the nosey duo was around. Kami help him if his team found out he couldn't afford clothes and his only kunai and shuriken were scavenged from the training grounds that team with the huge eyebrowed sensei uses.

His clones barely brought in enough to pay the rent and utilities by the seventh of the month, the last day before he would have been back out on the streets as a homeless bum thanks to his continually increasing rent. Didn't stop the crotchety old man from gleefully informing the dejected blonde that a late fee would be assessed on his next bill, irregardless of the fact that paying by the seventh was technically 'on time' where his lease agreement is concerned.

Looking out the window and glancing around as he watered his plants, Naruto felt at least some relief that his nosey team-mates weren't around. "Since when is my life interesting," Naruto muttered, knowing he'd been followed home by Sasuke no less four times since the day the team formed and because of that Sakura followed, or tried to, as well.

Looking at the calendar, he sighed heavily. "Happy birthday to me."

October tenth. Saturday. His thirteenth birthday.

And nobody cares.

Well, lots of people care, but more in a 'This is a great day to finish Yondaime-sama's great work!' kinda way. Not exactly heartwarming.

_'This sucks.'_

Iruka-sensei's out on a mission after the Academy got closed for repairs just after the team selections, probably the first time in eight months the chunin received a mission not related to the Academy and it just happened to be during Naruto's birthday. The Ichiraku's (Ayame-nee-chan and Teuchi-jiji) will probably give him his birthday bowl on the house as it IS his birthday, but today's the Kyuubi Festival and Naruto didn't really want to kill their income on the busiest day of the year.

_'I'm here ni-san,'_ his lyrical annoying tenant muttered sympathetically, her voice oddly muted and quiet. _'I'll always be here.'_

Naruto just snarled at the bitch. _'Yes. I'm FULLY aware YOU are here. You know, the reason the entire village hates me. The reason I've had to send clones dressed as sluts to dance in the red light district for food money and bills over the last two weeks with those disgusting old fat merchants pawing all of them. The reason all of my things were destroyed and I was robbed blind. They even found the money I had stashed in the walls. Yes. I know you are there thank you very much.'_

_'__**Bitch**__.'_

After a few deep calming and shaky breaths, Naruto relaxed his trembling and forced himself to just let go of his frustration at the damn fox. It just didn't matter. Not today.

Today he just couldn't bring himself to care.

Grabbing his meager possessions and throwing them in a well-used travel bag with a busted strap he'd rescued from a dumpster along with two relatively clean bright orange bolts of cloth, Naruto decided to head for the training grounds. At least with the team having the day off for the festival he could get some peace to try any figure out what the hell was going on with his emotions.

Only habit and sheer force of will kept his cheerful, happy-go-lucky persona up and going as he ignored the angry stares, pebbles thrown by children, and the slamming of doors, shutters, and windows while he made his way through the village.

But he wasn't feeling it. Not really.

Which was strange, but almost understandable when Naruto paused to think about it.

For thirteen years, as of today, Naruto managed to shrug off every leer, every stare, the whispered words, and the harsh cuffs to his ears (or worse). He knew, especially now, that their hate and anger was misplaced. Not to mention the fact that he didn't actually know any of the people killed during Kyuubi's attack. The only exception that really got to him when he found out was that his hero, the Fourth Hokage, sacrificed his life to seal the demon into Naruto's stomach. Yet even that didn't sadden him, not really. Sure it sucked the Yondaime died, but he sealed the demon into Naruto's stomach.

Tit-for-tat and all that.

But today?

Today was the day Uzumaki Naruto was born.

Today was the day Uzumaki Kushina died.

Normally Naruto really wouldn't care about something that happened so far in the past, other than his own sadness at the loss of his parents at such an early age. Yet for some reason he couldn't get the fact out of his head. His mind refused to shut down or let go of the topic.

Naruto lived. Kushina died.

Naruto barely made to the relative safety of the training grounds before the tears started flowing. The blonde boy honestly thought he'd forgotten how to cry when he was sitting outside the Academy in dejected silence a few weeks prior after having failed the genin exam for the third and final time. He knew it was a mistake trying to graduate early twice prior, but no-one except Iruka-sensei bothered to tell him genin hopefuls were only allowed a TOTAL of three attempts at graduation and by then he'd fully wasted his first two chances. Would have been nice to know.

But he wasn't crying for himself. Not this time. Not today.

_'Fucking Fox. Why did you have to tell me?'_

He was crying for his mother. A woman cursed to give birth to the village's pariah.

The last of the Uzumaki Clan. Gone.

"I'm so sorry Kaa-san." Naruto muttered in a morose and dejected tone when he finally arrived at the relative privacy of the training grounds, moisture thick in his eyes alongside the sorrowful rivers carving a path through the three thick whisker marks on either side of his cheeks. "I'm so sorry you died because of me. I'm sorry I'm here and you're not." By now the blonde jinchuriki started openly sobbing, knowing the world lost something wonderful and only gained him. (It was sad really, his grammar tended to be bad enough when it wasn't emo. At the moment he sounds like the script of a poorly written fanfiction where Naruto suddenly turns super-uber the day he graduates and has an insta-harem. The author fervently hopes Naruto gets out of his funk soon.)

Him. The demon-brat.

"If only I was never born," he whispered, relaxing into a moment of pure Uchiha-levels of emo. It was almost liberating to just blame everything else in the world and himself at the same time. For a few peaceful self-recriminating moments, Naruto understood why Sasuke acted the way he did. Then he wondered if Sasuke really wore those arm-guards for protection.

Remember kids, Mr. Razor says to always cut up and down, not side-to-side!

After letting it all out, his nose sniffed out the pair of foxes cooking on the nearby campfire, compliments of his clones, and the blonde jinchuriki chuckled darkly before managing to dredge up a small smile.

_'Appropriate. Is this your long lost omouto bitch?'_ Naruto snarled triumphantly at his tenant, but received only silence in return.

After a solid breakfast, and having nothing better to do, Naruto decided to at least use his free day productively and get the damned bangle... er... kill-cloth jutsu working right. So far the only cloth he managed any decent level of control over was his right forearm.

As the first day off in the two week period, it was also the first time he'd managed to train in anything but his stealth skills (to ditch his escorts and send out some clones), his pole-dancing skills (*shudder* *twitch* _'Why do those men want to touch the girls so badly. It's weird. Creepy perverts.'_), his sewing, and his survival skills. It would have been nice to use the extra two or three hours his team just sat in bored silence waiting for Kakashi-teme each morning, but the little training he'd managed the day teams were formed proved that to be dangerous to his team-mates health.

He only managed a couple hours of training that first night, but it definitely proved kill-cloth was an appropriate label for the jutsu. May the Holy Log damn him to eternal lack of Its presence should he harm Sakura-chan with a badly controlled razor-sharp stabbity cloth of doom.

Tightening the cloths on both legs and wrists, Naruto set to work.

"I know your gone Kaa-san." He snarled aloud as the cloth on his arms started fluttering and pulsing with his chakra, "but with Kami and the Log as my witness I'll make you proud!"

He (and the dozen clones that joined him) started slow with only his arms, punching out and forcing the resistant cloth to form fists, blades, and shields like the spur of the moment one he used when Sasuke-teme almost torched him, no thanks to Kakashi-sensei.

An hour later he finally started to sweat normally, as opposed to the continual sheen of near-exhaustion that haunted him for the last few weeks. Two more hours of training caused found panting heavily at the first hints of fatigue began setting in.

_'Damn. This jutsu really takes it out of me.' _The blonde huffed silently to himself, nearly shocked at being so tired from only four hours of training.

Still he pressed on. If he could just get enough control to not worry about skewering his team-mates it would be far enough to start training in the mornings. Considering only three clones survived to the two-hour mark, Naruto wasn't sure he would make it happen in only one day's worth of training. By the four-hour mark his reserves were half gone and he only kept his arms moving through sheer force of will.

Instead of punching to stretch the cloth, he moved into stretching the cloth just to punch; controlling his arms through the chakra-laced cloth alone. His arm-guards began glowing faintly in the noon-day sun from the thick chakra seeping deep into the very molecules of the material as he continued his random directionless training.

Still he kept his leaded arms moving. The burning sensation that started to fade at the three hour mark almost completely vanished, giving way to numb throbbing and a sense of detachment. Forms started to erupt within the cloth crisscrossing the length of the training field as he danced to an unknown rhythm, his chakra falling to dangerous levels.

Instead of a shield, a wall erupted; instead of blades, lances; instead of his small fists, punches the size of a watermelon.

_'NI-SAN STOP.'_ a loud voice shouted and echoed throughout his mind.

Blinking as awareness came back slowly; he bit back a scream of pain as his arms locked up entirely and practically froze in place. He couldn't even feel the chakra running through them anymore.

_'Well duh. Idiot. You nearly burnt out your chakra-coils.'_ the Fox deadpanned. _'I've only been trying to get your attention for over an hour.'_

"Urg... Huh?" he panted, too tired to make a more coherent sentence.

_'Hmph. This is a person's chakra-coils.'_ As she said that a strange picture of a glowing see-through person filled with blue waves and tiny blue dots filled his mind's eye. _'And THIS is what you've done to yourself.'_ The second picture seemed like he first, only instead of calm blue waves around the two arms, the waves were churning and crashing into each other. The tiny points of light flickering on and off repeatedly.

Naruto, being who he is, noticed an important factor.

The legs looked fine.

Ignoring the burning pain in his arms through sheer stubbornness, he decided to start on kicks.

The first pulse of chakra through his left ankle-bracer sent a perfectly razor-sharp hunk of cloth straight out.

"Oh Kami! Shit shit shit shit shit..."

Straight out and through his foot like a half inch thick nail from a nail gun that is.

Dancing around on the other foot, he whimpered openly while holding his poor appendage for a split second before the burning pain started lancing through his arms again. In the end he just collapsed in an undignified heap.

"Sonofa..."

_'Idiot.'_

- 2 - 2 - 2 - 2 - 2 -

"KATON: GREAT FIREBALL JUTSU!"

The fireball burning over the edge of the docks encompassed nearly a third of the Uchiha Lake next to his home. What once gave the young Uchiha a sense of pride now gave one of frustration.

'_Too small; it's too weak.'_ Uchiha Sasuke normally prided himself on his emotional control (when the subject of his brother wasn't brought up, his tomatoes weren't threatened, fangirls weren't around, he wasn't annoyed, and…), but in the last two weeks his patience and emotions were rarely within his control. Something was going on in Konoha he didn't like, and it centered on one of his new team-mates.

'_I'm still too weak.'_ Outward appearances aside, Sasuke always respected the blonde idiot assigned to his team. As a fellow orphan, the last of their respective clans no less (though Sasuke was banned from discussing the Uzumaki's for some reason), the two held a bond few could understand. The loneliness, the frustration, the false assurances and pity filled glances.

They were survivors. Warriors. Pity was wasted on them both.

Yet beyond grudging respect, the blonde idiot had always been just that. The blond idiot. Not a complete stranger with a noticeably fake smile, moments of guilt, and moments of sorrow.

'_Why is he so strong?'_

Pride. The foundation of the Uchiha clan, and Sasuke's place in it, built upon bedrock of pride, floors of strength, and walls of power. Since before the founding of the Leaf Village the Uchiha were always the elite; the best of the best without question, hesitation, or variation. Therefore no-one showed any surprise when Sasuke held the same potential, easily surpassing his classmates in everything with the grace and power that so well represented his clan. During his years at the Academy, Sasuke held the top rank for every shinobi discipline tested. Stealth, survival, ninjutsu, genjutsu, taijutsu, thrown weapons, combat simulations, trap making and detection; even the rarely used nin-taijutsu and kenjutsu were aced on every exam.

Since being forced to deal with the hyperactive warning label for parents trying not to use Ritalin, the skills he held such pride in were proven to be a pile of shit. A pile of shit he couldn't find a reason for. Did the idiot intentionally fail his tests?

EVERY time he tried to follow the dobe home to see just what he could be hiding, the blonde seemed to vanish. Such a feat shouldn't even be possible for an idiot with chakra reserves as large as Naruto's. The dobe practically glows to even Sasuke's extremely basic chakra sensing ability. Yet still the blonde always seemed to know when Sasuke followed and just vanished.

Two weeks of waiting for Kakashi-sensei in absolute frustration and boredom, but the dobe still managed to hone his skills with those clones. Tracking, stalking, disabling, preparation, cooking, and survival; so many required skills that the blonde used as if they were second nature; skills he'd honed through years of use until they as easy as brushing his teeth. It didn't make any sense. Yet still the blonde's skills grew.

Out of no-where, the dobe comes up with a new jutsu fast enough to slice his hair off in a split second from five feet away, strong enough to pierce the stone beams lining the Academy ceiling, and powerful enough to create a shield to block one of Sasuke's strongest katon jutsus in moments. While the supposed 'dead-last' **implied** he still couldn't control the jutsu.

"KATON: GREAT FIREBALL JUTSU!" This time the fireball spread for another ten yards in all directions, leaving the young katon-user panting and heaving for breath as he landed on a knee while propping himself up with the hand that wasn't smoking slightly. After two weeks of almost zero chakra usage his coils weren't responding as easily as they should.

After so many rapid-fire discrepancies in Naruto's mask, Sasuke wasn't going to be fooled anymore. "Seven was the jonin, I was eight when I hit ANBU." That's what the dobe muttered. His first mistake, the first drop in the mask, the very words played off as something as childish as a prank yet told of something more.

Uchiha Sasuke, last of the great Uchiha Clan, and hailed by the entire village far and wide as a prodigy with potential rivaled only by his own brother. Everyone praised Sasuke's skills with genjutsu, his signature Uchiha katon jutsus, tai-jutsu, and kenjutsu.

'_I won't forget. I won't lose. I will hate you brother and my rage will destroy you once and for all!'_

Naruto was a prodigy, such an impressive one that no-one knew his skills. The blonde could build traps strong enough to incapacitate jonin. Twice. Naruto could daily, without fail, manage to hunt small game despite being inside the village walls where such game tended to be scare. Infiltrating ANBU Headquarters, outrunning chunin, jonin, and ANBU (compliments of Iruka-sensei's desk-folder), infiltrating the Hokage Tower and incapacitating the Hokage himself (courtesy of a chunin contact), created a kinjutsu at eight years old (based on the Academy files), AND Naruto managed to use a chunin-level jutsu that requires kage-level reserves just to activate (based on the Chunin Library).

Who is Uzumaki Naruto?

"KATON: GREAT FIREBALL JUTSU!" His chakra rebounded; the justu broke and blasted the furious boy sideways off the dock and into the waist-deep waters at the edge of the lake. Snarling he leapt back onto the dock before running through seals again.

Naruto's behavior over the last two weeks would make any normal shinobi think the boy was nothing more than the idiot he appeared to be. The blonde ended each day with half-hearted proposals to their pink-haired team-mate and subsequently shook off blows from the girl that once put Kiba in the Hospital for a week as if they were nothing more than love taps. The goofy grin was so perfectly off-putting and disarming; almost practiced in its perfection. Any normal ninja of the Leaf wouldn't give a second thought to the arrogant, loud, and obnoxious blonde proudly proclaiming to the world his intent to be 'Hokage' one day; wouldn't even pause to look back over what they knew of the blonde's life: constantly skipping class, always being dragged in by the boring chunin instructor after particularly vicious pranks that sent the village security through the works, always bragging about visiting his 'Jiji' all the time….

Sasuke was anything but normal.

Feeling a light burning in his chakra coils, Sasuke drew a kunai to practice a move he managed to perfect the last time he saw his brother before that night. His brother smiled. The murderous bastard had the gall to smile as he donned his ANBU….

Donned his ANBU….

Donned his….

_"Seven was the jonin, I was eight when I hit ANBU."_

Sasuke froze, staring at the kunai in his hand as his knees gave out beneath him.

Naruto wasn't the dead-last dobe.

"_I was eight when I hit ANBU."_

"He's ANBU." the almost hysterical raven-haired teen laughed out-loud. The dobe, the dead-last, the class-clown who couldn't take life seriously, the complete anti-thesis of everything a shinobi represents, "Naruto is ANBU."

The thought should have been insane. It should have been so unbelievable to not even have a chance of passed through Sasuke's thoughts.

But that just proved how true it **might** be, didn't it?

"I can't believe it. Four years. He joined the Academy as an ANBU and no-one even realized it. Unbelievable. Four years he challenged me, always just below my level when we fought. Always forcing me to train that much harder, to be that much stronger. No wonder he never cared about his grades.

"And now we're a team. We're a team and he's teaching still. How could I have not SEEN it? It was so obvious. He failed everything, but they never dropped him from the program, the days or weeks of skipped classes, actually **publicly** testing village security hidden as **pranks** of all things. Hilarious."

As the late-afternoon sun shown in the sky, the only Uchiha still alive within the Leaf Village laughed in a way he felt unable to laugh for the over half a decade. Naruto claimed to be the greatest prankster the Leaf Village had ever seen. He told everyone not to underestimate him. Yet _**everyone**_ did. The blonde goofball managed to pull the wool over everyone's eyes.

The blonde wanted to teach, by Kami Sasuke would learn.

Too bad Sasuke's deductions were so completely and hilariously far off target he might just be able to run into Aang or the Boogie Pop Phantom when he stops.

This should prove to be amusing to say the least.

"Hn… who's Aang?"

Ignoring that.

- 2 - 2 - 2 - 2 - 2 -

"He's ANBU. Naruto is ANBU."

That statement stopped Sakura in her tracks as she approached the boy of her affections, completely derailing any and all thought processes currently running through her overlarge forehead.

"I can't believe it. Four years. He joined the Academy as an ANBU and no-one even realized it. Unbelievable. Four years he challenged me, always just below my level when we fought. Always forcing me to train that much harder, to be that much stronger. No wonder he never cared about his grades."

As Sasuke's conclusions reached her ears, Sakura's eyes opened wide enough to make her overly large forehead look insignificant in comparison. Sasuke respected Naruto of all people? The change in the two boy's relationship over the last two weeks certainly was large, but for him to think the idiot was some sort of undercover ANBU? No-one is that good.

'_WHAT?'_

'_**Has Sasuke-kun lost it? Naruto-baka's been messing with his head! Kill him Sharranno! We must protect Sasuke-kun always!**__' _

"And now we're a team. We're a team and he's teaching still. How could I have not SEEN it? It was so obvious. He failed everything, but they never dropped him from the program, the days or weeks of skipped classes, actually publicly testing village security hidden as pranks of all things. Hilarious."

He muttered something else a few moments later, but she missed it.

Blinking a few times as she processed his statements (and tried desperately to ignore the laughter coming from her crush, tall-dark-handsome types do NOT laugh in a slightly insane, possibly maniacal manner), Sakura spun on her heel and walked right back into the village without speaking a single word.

For once, the information churning through Sakura's oversized brain had nothing to do with Sasuke-kun, fashion, Sasuke-kun, dieting, Sasuke-kun, Academy books, Sasuke-kun, or Ino-pig.

- 2 - 2 - 2 - 2 - 2 -

"He's ANBU. Naruto is ANBU."

Reading his porno while watching Naruto's passed out form bleeding profusely on the ground out of the corner of his eye, it truly sucked for the whitish-grey haired jonin that he did not in fact hear his other student's statement.

It might have reduced his confusion over the coming weeks.

Probably would have prevented a disaster as well.

- 2 - 2 - 2 - 2 - 2 -

Just so everyone knows, YES, I KNOW a number of the characters are acting a little OC. Chapter 3 will more properly explain the reasons behind this and a few other things.

As it stands now Naruto does not take up his Legacy (as a demon-hunter) until sometime around or during the Wave Mission (Its already written, but I'm not giving you an easy heads-up).

Unlike my other stories, I have far, FAR more written for this one, already counting words at well over 150k as I indicated in my profile. The reason I set this story aside for a while is because I wanted to try my hand at first-person perspective with 'What Else?' to get a feel for writing it.

One of my reviewers made a comment about the Third Hokage being, and I quote, "a complete bastard" so I thought I might explain part of the reason behind this now as I don't plan on addressing it until either A) after the Wave Mission or B) during the Tsunade Retrieval Arc.

He IS the Hokage.

The good of the majority must ALWAYS come before the good of the few.

Or the One.

There are other factors influencing his behavior, but I haven't fully decided when and where I want to reveal this information as it has a VERY big impact on quite a few characters throughout the Elemental Nations and will actually be the start of a new Arc when it happens, even if it initially starts as a sub-Arc. Heh, if you think the Third Hokage is acting OC and like a bastard, just wait until you get a load of KAKASHI-SENSEI!

On a completely separate and amusing (to me) note, the reviewer whom asked the questions about Sarutobi (not to mention Anko's presence... wtf?) also pointed out that my story is "obviously" AU.

What part of the Summary did NOT indicate that this story would be AU? The part where Naruto has a bloodline? The part where Naruto is from a long-line of DEMON-HUNTERS?! /facepalm


	3. Live Like You're Dyin'

A/N:

Looking for a beta. Just thought I'd throw that out there. Might have a faster posting rate if I could focus more on writing the next parts of the story and less on making the story presentable.

Reread the 30k or so written for chapters 15 - 18. I think I got bored with the story progression or something because it turned into one of those "give Naruto everything" FF's, which isn't even remotely related to what I had storyboarded. There's a reason Authors sometimes put aside stories for a few months. Just sayin'.

- 3 - 3 - 3 - 3 - Live Like You're Dyin'

Naruto just ignored Sakura-chan and Sasuke-teme's questioning looks when they both gave pointed glances to his orange-wrapped (and brown-stained) foot the next morning as he plopped down unceremoniously on the bridge at the edge of the team training grounds, his arms splayed out to either side like dead-weight.

If you asked any of the three, none of them would be sure who chose the bridge as their meeting spot, but it did the job. Naruto raised an eyebrow when Sasuke left following one of the clones he sent off hunt up some breakfast, wondering if the teme actually planned on _helping_ for once instead of just eating the food Naruto cooked each morning.

'_Something happen yesterday?'_ Maybe the teme finally realized it's rude to eat someone else's food every single day. Propriety might say food should be shared, but Naruto's patience at feeding the greedy teme every morning was waning.

Sakura-chan at least thanked him for it. Well sorta. Kinda. He was certain she thought about it at least.

Naruto smirked in victory a moment later when he realized Sakura-chan didn't follow the teme because she actually fell back asleep while leaning against one of the posts holding the bridge up. "I'm all alone with Sakura-chan as the sun is just rising." he whispered to himself in a childishly joyful tone, afraid to ruin the moment if he spoke any louder, "Awesome!" It was a testament to Naruto's thick-headed nature that the fact that Sakura's only contribution to the 'date' involved the Land of Nod didn't bother him in the least.

Standing slowly, he edged over next to the sleeping (, drooling, and snoring) pink-haired girl, careful not to shift the weight of the bridge or trample her super-badass kunoichi red battle-kimono (aka: generic dress which shouldn't even half-heartedly be considered ninja attire), he leaned up against the next support and grinned a happy but guilty grin to himself.

Roughly two minutes later his boredom struck, so he spun silently around to hang his feet off the edge of the bridge instead, to watch the calm waters of the creek below. After carefully taking off his only pair of sandals, he spent the next twenty minutes playing in the water with his feet like a two year old.

"Oi!" Hearing the voice he'd recognize anywhere (since it was his own), Naruto turned to see the teme and one of his clones returning with a fat rabbit and a rather flimsy looking squirrel being held by the clone. The teme walked with a strut Naruto recognized from the Academy whenever he aced something or another by a significant margin.

'_Does that thing even have any meat on it?'_ the blonde survivalist wondered as he eyed the pitiful, scrawny, and starved looking squirrel with a critical eye. Definitely something Naruto would have 'thrown back.'

The clone cut-off whatever conversation Naruto might have prompted by shooting a sympathetic, frustrated look to its creator before shoving both animal corpses forcefully to the annoyed Uchiha. Seconds later, after a final glare at the silent and victoriously smirking Sasuke, the clone vanished in a puff of smoke.

Alarm bells were going off in Naruto's head long before the clone's memories transferred to him.

**A few minutes earlier….**

"I know your secret," Sasuke whispered fiercely, glaring at the clone and daring it to dispute his claim.

"Um… what secret?" the Clone asked nervously, rubbing the back of its neck and wishing the Boss was the one here dealing with the teme.

"You've tried to hide it," Sasuke said with no small amount of frustration and annoyance, "but I've watched you. I think we both know you aren't what you seem. Are you?"

Finishing the trap outside where he managed to scent a rabbit, the clone tried to think of something to stall as it pretended to focus entirely on the work at hand. If he seemed distracted by making the trap maybe Sasuke wouldn't…

"Naruto."

Turning, the clone met Sasuke's serious eyes. Shocked by the intensity and …respect?... he saw reflected in them.

"Admit it. We both know you're slipping. You can't hide your secret from me. Don't make me ask again. You aren't what you seem, are you?"

The clone actually took a moment to bite his tongue against pointing out that Sasuke did, in fact, ask again.

"Nope!" the clone cried out cheerfully while giving a forced laugh, his fox-like grin firmly in place, "I'm pretty sure I'm just a clone!" It laughed cheerfully, rubbing the back of his neck and hoping the teme would just drop it. "Yep. All I am."

Sasuke's face as he registered the response would become one of Naruto's fondest memories, even though it happened to the clone. Triumph. Then shock. Then annoyance. Then rage. Then annoyance. All total it gave the Uchiha prodigy's face an expression of trying to force through constipation while stoned off his Uchiha-loving gourd.

Uproariously awesome.

"ARGH!" the Uchiha screamed, startling a rabbit out of its hole (and right into the trap!) and causing a nearby squirrel (yep, that one) to launch itself away.

Schtick.

The kunai passed inches in front of the clone's comically wide-eyes before pinning the poor squirrel to the tree.

"Don't lie to me dobe!" Sasuke whispered harshly, menace radiating from his tone as a small amount of ki began to leak from his frame, "I've watched. I've listened. I've studied. I know your secret, NARUTO. Just admit it."

The shocked clone stared in horror at the Uchiha for a few seconds with wide eyes. The twin onyx eyes burned with anger and suspicion, pinning the clone in place as effectively as the kunai pinning down the dying squirrel nearby.

Finally the clone sighed and his shoulder slumped in defeat. He shuddering visibly and turned away. "It's… complicated."

"Hn. So you admit it." Sasuke said triumphantly, his irritating bloody smirk firmly in place.

"NO! I… I…" realizing the gig was up long before they even arrived in the clearing, the clone just sighed, "I CAN'T. It's not that simple."

"Why not? We're shinobi. Secrets are our business." The Uchiha stated, growling slightly as he pushed the clone a little further.

"Or are you just too much of a coward to admit it?"

Sasuke froze. The temperature in the clearing dropped significantly and the clone would happily admit to feeling some satisfaction from watching the Boss's rival shudder from the look the clone threw him. "You CAN'T know teme. It's an S-Rank village secret punishable by DEATH. Do you want to **DIE** teme?" By the end of his rant, the clone's breath started coming out in a cold fog as his eyes flashed dangerously.

Turning from his rival, the clone closed its eyes for a minute before turning to knife the struggling rabbit and grab the squirrel from the tree.

'_Boss is gonna be PISSED.'_

The clone worked in silence before turning and stomping off, not even acknowledging Sasuke's presence.

"Shit."

Naruto's face fell and he unconsciously clutched his midsection as he finished processing the clone's memories. Nausea filled his stomach and his heart started pounding in his veins. It took all of his self-control not retch over the side of the bridge and he gave thanks to the fact that he was already sitting since his legs felt like jelly.

Sasuke just smirked when he saw Naruto's face pale.

Sakura ….drooled a little bit and snorted before scratching her crotch. Then she sniffed at her fingers. Naruto tried to ignore that.

"How long have you known," Naruto whispered to the creek below, his voice dull and lifeless.

Sasuke's self-satisfied smirk only grew, "Since team assignments."

His gut felt like a molten cauldron trying to melt its way out of his body, "That…" Naruto swallowed, trying to fight back the rising nausea, "That long?"

Sasuke grunted before leaning over the railing next to the blonde. "Why else would I be put on a team with Hatake and **you** dobe?" the Uchiha asked as if Naruto was a complete idiot. Naruto frowned as he tried to figure out what exactly Sasuke meant. Why would two Sharingan users make sense for a team with him?

'_By The LOG, Ni-san! The dream!'_ Hana's rang out, interrupting his thoughts.

'_The …dream? I don't get it.'_

'_Ni-san. Think about it. What kekkai genkai has the power to control the Kyuubi. There are only two Sharingan users in the Leaf Village! The teme…..'_ Whatever else his tenant might have said became drown out in a flood created from the contents of Naruto's stomach, right over the side of the bridge. Splinters jammed in his fingernails as he painfully clawed at the wooden beams, blood pounding in his head so loud he felt like he might pass out.

'_So cold. So hot. Why is it so hot?' _A sheen of sweat gathered on his skin even as his ears and cheeks lit up red.

Seeing Sakura's disgust and the dark, satisfied grin in Sasuke's face multiplied his panic three-fold to the point where the remains splashing below started to look dark red. The pressure in his head and behind his eyes so painful he didn't even notice carving long painful trenches in to his skin as he tried to hold down the pain.

"By Kami-sama idiot! What the hell is wrong with you, **freak**?"

"_Get out of my store FREAK!" _

"_What's wrong with you? We don't serve YOUR kind here!" _

"_Here to brag DEMON? How many people have you killed today?" _

"_Aww look. The demon's pretending to cry. Well it won't work on us. We'll teach you a lesson you won't forget __**FREAK**__."_

Sakura's unconsciously vicious words (the normal way she speaks to Naruto) ripped into memories long buried and drove the point home; forcing his paranoia into only giving a single horrifying conclusion as the pressure in his head reached a crescendo and his ears and nose started bleeding.

For a moment all he felt was pure I adulterer RAGE. How dare he do that? How could he? But his rage was drowned in a wave of shame, guilt, sorrow, and fear that crashed across his body with the force of a tsunami.

'_He knows. He told her. By The LOG, WHY? WHY!?'_

Taking one last look at Sakura's disgusted face and Sasuke satisfied grin, Naruto bolted.

- 3 - 3 - 3 - 3 - 3 -

Naruto's panic stricken face superimposed itself on another from far in the past of the self-proclaimed avenger of all things Uchiha.

A face Sasuke knew from the Hospital mirror when he finally woke up after his brother's jutsu raped his mind.

The raven-haired Prodigy felt a lot less satisfaction all of the sudden as the two images melded and burned within his head. A confused, betrayed, and nearly suicidal seven year old and an equally unstable twelve year old.

"Sas… Sasuke-kun? What happened?" The pink-haired annoyance asked, staring at the retreating form of their team-mate.

If Sasuke wanted to accomplish something by confronting his secretive team-mate, this certainly wouldn't have been it.

Sasuke's legs were moving.

As he fled, Naruto mirrored a memory from the worst night of Sasuke's life.

The scared seven year old stumbled as he heard a moan, turning to see one of his Uncles. Blood poured down his face from where his now jagged nails tore relentlessly at his temples, a fruitless attempt to banish the thoughts and visions plaguing his mind.

Sasuke felt his lunch pour back up from his stomach from the memory of his Uncle pulling a kunai from his pouch and driving it into his head.

'_Genjutsu'_ his traitorous mind supplied, _'He was scared …to death.'_

Despite being a ninjutsu focused clan, Sasuke's brother Itachi made genjutsu his forte. Only a few members in the clan were said to be able to rival Itachi's prowess with the art, but everyone admitted that none could match Itachi's viciousness.

Forcing the victim to end their own despair used to be Itachi's signature technique during his time as an ANBU Captain. He earned his S-Rank through it.

'_**I am not Itachi!**__'_ Sasuke roared silently as he continued to swiftly chase to the fleeing blonde, Sakura already lagging somewhere far behind.

The last four times Sasuke tried to follow the blonde, his target was as fleet-footed as any ninja Sasuke could ever remember having met. The annoying Uzumaki dodged, ducked, snuck, and hid throughout alcoves, trees, roots, and even caves as he traversed the terrain between the training grounds and wherever he went each night.

This time his rival behaved more like the rabbit Sasuke caught alongside Naruto's clone earlier than anyone with shinobi skills as advanced as those Sasuke bore witness to from his blue-eyed team-mate in the last few weeks. Naruto ran full tilt from the moment he launched himself from the bridge. The fleeing blonde ran in such an erratic pattern however that Sasuke actually managed to somewhat keep up with his fellow genin.

By the time the frustrated, beaten, and tired teen managed to track down he wayward team-mate he bit back a growl.

'_Of course the dobe would be here.'_ Sasuke raged with a roll of his black eyes. _'Where else does he go?'_

Sitting on the far tip of the Yondaime's bust, the now barely clothed blonde both held his legs tightly while rocking back and forth, the twin sets of orange wrapped around Naruto's calves and forearms melding together with the same orange t-shirt hanging limply from his chest in the rays of the morning sun.

The serene smile as Naruto looked out over the village forced Sasuke to pause. Something wrong hid within that smile.

Something was very _very_ wrong with that smile.

"Neh Sasuke," the blonde whispered to the silently approaching teen, not even needing to look yet still knowing of Sasuke's arrival, "What will you do now?"

"Dobe." Sasuke stated dully, not exactly a paragon of social interaction.

Naruto just laughed, the serene and eery smile never leaving his whiskered face. "You know… if I die, it won't be a problem anymore."

"Hn." The raven-haired teen wasn't exactly certain how to express how much he didn't like that statement, but Naruto already proved multiple times to be a 'hn' translator.

"Thanks Sasuke, but I think its okay. Do you really want to be looking over your shoulder after me for the rest of your career?" the blonde asked in a semi-whisper, his arms wrapping tighter around his knees.

"Hn."

Naruto just smiled wider, his eyes focused now on the clouds in the distance. "You said it yourself Sasuke. Why else would you be on my team. This way, the problem is solved for good."

'_What problem?'_

"Hn."

"WHAT THE FUCK TEME? YOU TOO? Seriously?" Sasuke's eyebrows shot up at the sheer venom in Naruto's tone as the hyperactive blonde pulled a 180 on the emotional wheel, a look of absolute disgust and scorn forming on his face.

"You're just like the rest of them aren't you..." Naruto hissed angrily without pause, all serenity and happiness gone from his features, replaced instead with a feral, cornered look as slit eyes narrowed entirely on Sasuke's being. The animalistic look given more credence as his canines elongated slightly, the three sweat drenched whisker marks on each cheek standing out even more as they glistened in the sunlight. Sasuke noticed Naruto's right hand unconsciously clenching his stomach even as it wrapped around his knees.

Then those eyes met Sasuke's own once again as his anger started to burn away. The betrayed, confused, lonely, and pain-filled eyes so familiar to Sasuke that he could have painted them in the dark. "You don't see me at all do you teme?" The blonde whispered morosely.

"Dob... NARUTO..." Sasuke started slowly, wondering how their interaction somehow devolved into this mess. The perpetually happy-go-lucky idiot that went out of his way to cheer everyone up instead acted like a caged animal, ready to bite his own leg off to escape the bear-trap. In reverse the loner who, if he were to be honest with himself, actually wanted to help his team-mate instead of going solo like everything else.

The problem being, Sasuke had absolutely no idea how.

"What a pair we make," Sasuke muttered, unconsciously giving voice to his thoughts.

"I'll kill myself first," the angry blonde hissed as his anger returned in a flash, "You can't have her! I won't be used as a weapon. Not by you. Not by **ANYONE!**"

_'Her?'_ Sasuke had known they were both on two separate …tangents since Naruto bolted from the bridge, but the blonde's defensive, venom laced hiss ensured there was no mistake about it. The Uchiha just frowned, hoping his crazed companion would shed at least at little more light on the conversation. Explain just what in The Log's name the boy was talking about.

"They wanted to see if you could be like your family, didn't they," Naruto spat accusingly, but continued before Sasuke could even form a response. "Madara controlled the Kyuubi once, right? Why shouldn't the prodigy be able to do the same? Especially with the fabled copy-nin helping him?"

Sasuke's eyes widened as the puzzle pieces finally clicked in to place. Naruto is a jinchuriki. The hyperactive, verbally abused and scorned orphan holds the most powerful being known on the planet. THAT was his secret.

For the first time in many years, Sasuke felt humbled.

The sudden sense of clarity in reflected in the depths of Sasuke's black eyes spelled a different realization entirely for the crazed blonde however.

"You didn't think I would figure it out, did you?! Admit it you bastard!" The genin backed up a few paces as the air became positively charged by Naruto's chakra. It practically flowed off of Sasuke's team-mate in tangible waves, blanketing his senses to everything else around in a tangible aura of cold malevolence.

"We'll you won't have me..." Naruto trailed off, his voice turning soft, "She dies when I die. Did you know that Sasuke? Did they tell you that when they gave you your _weapon_?" The cold, final tone in Naruto's words scared Sasuke more than he would admit.

The blonde smiled, a REAL smile. Something Sasuke didn't remember ever seeing on his rival's face before.

"Can you stop me in time Sasuke? Do you even want to?"

Before he even finished his questions, Naruto spread his arms and leaned back, the smile never leaving his face.

"DOBE!" / "Naruto-kun!" / "Naruto!" / "Naruto-san!"

- 3 - 3 - 3 - 3 -

Meanwhile at the Legion of... err... with Sakura

"Sas... Sasuke-kun? What happened?"

As a civilian born and first generation shinobi the battles and blood never quite set in for the pink-haired girl named Haruno Sakura.

Her father, and her father's father had held seats on the Guild Council for as long as Konoha stood as a village. Sakura might not have enjoyed, or even liked her home life, but she remained in all things a pampered princess, if only so her father could show her off to his associates in hope that she failed out of the Shinobi Academy and returned to his control.

When the Senju and Uchiha Clans came together with their grandiose plans of a TRUE village dedicated only to shinobi and the creation of peace instead of war the leaders of the Clans knew they couldn't do it alone. This lead to the creation of three vital ruling groups, duly elected from the first groups of people to stake their claims within the new world order.

The Senju's plans were indeed grandiose, but it was the Uchiha who provided the raw ambition. The Shodaime originally designed Konoha to emulate the village long since founded by their long-time allies in Uzu, but on a much grander scale. A village for MANY allied Clans as opposed to one. Madara and his brother Izumo, the two leaders within the Uchiha Clan at the time, proved their ambition by expanding many times on to the ideals of the Senju. Instead of a village staffed and run completely by the clans and their people, Konoha instead flourished as a safe haven for hundreds of merchants, blacksmiths, masons, restaurant owners, and their families. Instead of a village full of warriors dependent upon the grace of the Fire Daiymo for survival, the Uchiha envisioned a self-sustaining fortress for and of shinobi disciples to forever end the continual exploitation of the Shinobi Clans by the very Lords they swore service to.

With shameless exploitation of the Shodaime's Mokuton kekkai genkai, the Village Hidden in the Leaves became a reality almost overnight. The Council of Guilds however became a reality and political force within the village when the other Shinobi Clans, Daiymos, and Samurai amongst the Elemental Nations discovered word of Konohagakure's founding. War marched towards the Land of Fire. The Shinobi Clans found themselves relying on the very civilians they had planned to exploit just to keep the village a reality in the turbulent times leading up to the First Shinobi World War.

In the beginning the Guild Council stood as a beacon of honest and integrity within the Land of Fire. Trade Caravans were better protected and more reliable than ever before. Money flowed like water and the ever the Fire Daiymo himself bowed to the inevitable, giving his solemn blessing in a permanent shift towards making Konoha the largest trade center in the Land of Fire due to the unrivaled protections allowed by having access to a near eternal number of shinobi protection details.

Like all good intentions where politics are related, the Guild Council quickly became corrupt. Back-door deals, political marriages, and illicit trades became the first choice for business instead of the last. Upon his ascent to the title of Hokage during the First Shinobi World War after the death of his brother the Shodaime, the Nidaime quickly realized just how precarious the longevity of his brother's dream was when a corrupt trader let two full clans of Kiri shinobi into the village in the dead of night. With little recourse, and less time, the Nidaime swiftly formed the Jonin Council, ANBU, and Root to keep the peace both internally and externally.

The Jonin Council held equal membership to the Guild Council at its founding. Fifteen members for fifteen districts. The Guild Council found themselves effectively neutered and became even more cut-throat in their businesses, but targeting only each other as opposed to threatening the integrity of the village as a whole. The Guild Council slowly expanded as the population grew, from fifteen members to twenty. They Guild members became even more cut-throat, expanded their membership to a full thirty members, and might very well have destabilized the peace bought in blood through the Second and Third Shinobi World Wars if it wasn't for the attack of the Kyuubi on the last day of October thirteen years prior. In the years following the defeat of the Kyuubi no Youko at the hands of the Yondaime Konoha experienced a massive growth both economically within the village and in the number of residents. The number of Guild Council members, once affectionately referred to by the common man as the Civilian Council (though that title has since fallen on the shoulders of the Elder Council), has expanded once again to twenty members, yet still remain only the most shrewd businessmen.

As the only child, and more's the pity a daughter, of the fat-ass lazy good for nothing member of the Guild Council that is her father, Sakura knew her only life expectancy was to be sold off like chattel to some other fat-ass balding old businessman for a measly business discount at a young age.

Unless.

Unless she joined the Shinobi Academy and became a kunoichi. A recommendation that came from her mother. Haruno Sakira found herself married at a young age to Sakura's father, a VERY young age, an outcome Sakura needed to avoid at all costs. That plan went out the window when her best friend Ino first met Sasuke. Sakura might have dealt the final blow to their friendship over their crushes on Sasuke, but Ino started the war with vicious abandon.

Now, six years later, her childhood dreams became reality with only a single flaw.

As a registered kunoichi she became a legal adult, her father could never use her as a trading piece with an overweight old man at the bargaining table ever again. Ino, who joined the Academy for similar reasons to Sakura, got assigned to a team to recreate the one her father had as a genin. Most wonderfully, Sakura herself joined the team with her precious Sasuke-kun, last of the Uchiha and all the prestige and social strength that came with it.

Unfortunately, said team included _Naruto_ of all people, the single most frustrating, annoying, cheerful, desperate loser of her entire graduating class.

Being woken up by the sound of projectile vomiting less than a foot away by aforementioned loser, and Sakura reacted as she normally would to his eternally irritating presence.

She lashed out with verbal abuse before even becoming fully conscious.

Seeing how he looked before he bolted caused a shudder to run through the green-eyed genin. Covered in blood as he tried to claw his own hair out, a line of bile and blood leaking from his mouth just before his ears and nose began leaking the crimson liquid. It disgusted her like nothing else before.

But his eyes.

The world stopped and her breath caught as she stared into his crystalline sky-blue eyes. They looked like two precious gems on the verges of shattering as they vibrated with unshed tears. Betrayed. Shamed. Enraged. Scared. So very scared. Loneliness. Just seeing the span of loneliness in his eyes caused her words to choke in her throat. So much longing, so much confusion. So …vulnerable.

Like a six year old child that just watched his favorite beloved puppy brutally slaughtered via disembowelment and used to make dinner, a coat, and some hair-pins. Or a six year old girl holding a bag of ice to her nineteen year old mother's face only a day after sitting quietly with her father at a meeting where the man encouraged a fat, balding and greasy business associate to paw at her unrepentantly while discussing an upcoming business deal; a memory that never faded from Sakura's conscious mind even to this day.

Naruto's eyes never held anything but happiness. His eyes were always so warm, so cheerful, so care-free. So comforting. For so long Naruto had been the outlet Sakura used to channel all the rage and mental anguish heaped upon her through the years, from death of her mother to her step-mothers vitriol. Yet, for that one half-heartbeat of a moment she saw the person Naruto never, ever shared with anyone, anywhere in the world.

Then the two boys were gone. For nearly an hour and a half she managed to keep up with the stamina freaks that she called team-mates, but in the end it proved impossible. Sakura ended up collapsing in exhaustion a few yards before one of the clan compounds.

"Ah... Ano S-Sakura-s-san. A-are you alright?" a timid voice Sakura recognized asked from the walk-path nearby.

"Hin-Hinata!" the run-down genin panted between breaths, completely missing the completely out of place snarl of hatred on the normally mousey Hyuga's face.

"A-are you alright?" the polite heiress asked again, shifting the basket of flowers she carried to her hip as the white-eyed girl leaned closer to Sakura's hunched over form.

"Nar-Naruto," Sakura panted, instantly having Hinata's full and undivided attention as the the pink-haired girl finally managed to take a deep breath. With her eyes focused entirely between on the ground between her legs, Sakura remained unaware at the annoyed scowl on the slightly younger girl's face.

"Is something wrong with Naruto-kun?" Hinata asked directly, her lavender eyes boring into the back of Sakura's head with a high level of intensity.

"He freaked. Sasuke's after him, but I couldn't keep up. Those two can go FOREVER, I swear." Sakura said only slightly recovered, but still gasping for air.

"A-ano. I can h-help find them w-with my Byakugan i-if you like?" the ever-gentle and reserved Heiress asked politely in her usual mousey manner as Sakura turned to face her, the former scowl vanishing like magic.

Sakura smiled as she watched her former classmate tug as the sleeves of her coat to ensure they covered her arms properly. Finally something is going to right on this awful day. "That would be wonderful Hinata."

After another hour, Hinata managed to spot Naruto at his favorite place on top of the Hokage's Monument, but not before the pair were joined by both of Hinata's team-mates.

One, Shino, was an extremely creepy guy that played with bugs way too much. Intellectually, Sakura knew as an Aburame, the insects were a part of his very existence and truly appreciated their clan's contributions to the Leaf Village. Didn't reduce the complete creep factor in the slightest though. Especially since their entire clan dressed like poster-boys for stereotypical rapists "As Seen on T.V.".

Worse still, Sakura never actually met a **female** Aburame before.

**Have you?**

The other, Kiba, annoyed Sakura nearly as much as Naruto, but for a completely opposite reason. All through the Academy, even as young as eight years old, Kiba flirted shamelessly with anyone of the female persuasion, giant annoying pervert that he is. Anyone but Sakura that is. Kiba remained to this day the only male that came in a close second to Naruto for being on the receiving end of Sakura's righteous vengeance, even if the ratio of being beaten down by the pink-haired girl is probably one-in-five compared to the number of devastating haymakers leveled in Naruto's direction over the years.

"Sas-Sasuke j-just caught up w-with him." Hinata said quietly to the group, though Sakura did a double-take because the only female member of Team 7 swore she heard that young Hyuga growl for a moment.

The quintet arrived in the foliage surrounding the headstones, but the four genin just listened to the conversation unfolding, Shino holding them back from doing anything more after indicating silently Naruto's unnatural visage. They could do nothing without first understanding what was going on with Sakura's blonde team-mate. Especially with how perilously close to the edge of the Yondaime's head as he was.

"I'll kill myself first," they heard Naruto hiss angrily, "You can't have her! I won't be used as a weapon. Not by you. Not by **ANYONE!**"

Memories flowed through Sakura's mind as she listened to the blonde, memories of her childhood, of her friendships, and of her mother.

"_Listen to me Sakura-chan. That boy is the purest of evil, one of the vilest and disgusting things on the planet. Stay away from him at all times or you might catch what he has."_

_Looking over questioningly at her friend for the past few hours, the four year old girl watched with wide eyes as the sickly looking four year old loped out of the clearing using one of his arms like a monkey._

_It was the sickly greenish bloody slime oozing off his back in crisscrossing streaks that caught her attention and almost made her throw-up. She'd already played with him for hours!_

_The little girl burst out in tears._

The three of them did nothing but listen as Sasuke and Naruto talked. With how unstable the blonde seemed, none of them had the slightest idea of how to help Sasuke at all.

"They wanted to see if you could be like your family, didn't they! Madara controlled the Kyuubi once, right? Why shouldn't the prodigy be able to do the same? Especially with the fabled copy-nin helping him?"

Sakura frowned, trying to understand where Naruto's words were going. She noticed however that neither Hinata or Shino looked the slightest but confused. Hinata, in fact, looked downright murderous. It took a moment to realize it due to his nominally stoic visage, but Shino too held his fists clenched angrily as his entire body hummed lightly.

"You didn't think I would figure it out, did you?! Admit it you bastard!"

"We'll you won't have me…" Naruto stated coldly, sending a small shiver down their spines. Then he continued in the softest and saddest tone any of them, except Hinata, had ever heard before. "She dies when I die."

Hinata's head jerked up and her eyes widened in realization before she started shaking and whispered furtively. "No.. No no no no no..."

"Did you know that Sasuke? Did they tell you that when they gave your your weapon?" Sakura, Hinata, and Shino heard the same cold, final tone in Naruto's words that even shook Sasuke to his core.

The blonde smiled then, a REAL smile.

Hinata had already started rushing forward, Shino only a half-step behind. Sakura felt like lately everyone kept leaving her behind, but at the moment it didn't really matter.

"Can you stop me in time Sasuke? Do you want to?"

It was too late. They weren't going to make it.

"Naruto-kun!" / "DOBE!" / "Naruto!" / "Naruto-san!"

- 3 - 3 - 3 - 3 -

The four stood genin stood at attention, trying their hardest to maintain a professional stance in front of the intimidating figures assembled almost in a Tribunal-esk circle around them. Three ANBU, the ANBU Commander, and the Hokage himself, a man that three of those present only met a few times in their life.

"Continue," the Hokage commanded after reading the report a young, nervous chunin handed him, all hints of the normal grandfatherly figure gone the moment he arrived in the corridor outside the surgery room where the group of nervous genin gathered after the rapid-fire events that left one of their own critically injured. "Please explain how and why the five of you ended flying across half of **MY** village."

Sasuke remained silent, an embarrassed flush spreading through his cheeks as he remembered how they all ended up falling with Naruto.

Shino, being both the most logical and most rational of the group spoke up first (surprising though who knew him as the sunglasses wearing boy has only been known to speak only when absolutely required) while the young Uchiha Prodigy Sasuke tried to sort his own thoughts, feelings, and, most piercingly, guilt over the events that lead to the near-death of his teammate. For all of his other faults, Sasuke was _not_ an emotionless monster. "It began just before Uchiha-san leapt after Naruto-san. Naruto-san made reference to some new weapon of Uchiha-san…"

_"Did you know that Sasuke? Did they tell you that when they gave your your weapon?" Sakura, Hinata, and Shino heard the same cold, final tone in Naruto's words that shook Sasuke to his core. _

_The blonde smiled then, a REAL smile._

_Hinata already started rushing forward, Shino only a half-step behind. Sakura felt like lately everyone kept leaving her behind, but at the moment it didn't really matter. _

_"Can you stop me in time Sasuke? Do you want to?" _

_It was too late. They weren't going to make it._

Sasuke leapt off the cliff after his team-mate, an action shocking the three remaining genin as the universal animosity between Naruto and Sasuke had been near-legendary even as far back as the first day of Ninja Academy over four years prior. Then Sasuke surprised the assembled shinobi even further. Even Shino, the closest to Sasuke in terms of raw ability and skills could only gape at the Uchiha prodigy's next actions. With her kekkai genkai active, Hinata saw everything, despite the speed in which Sasuke's hands, arms, and legs flew.

As the Rookie of the Year dove for his team-mate falling spread-eagle with his eyes closed, his hands were already in motion flipping kunai into the air around him and slinging ninja-wire through the key-rings on each blade. Less than three seconds later, Sasuke wrapped Naruto arms and chest with his legs, launching two of the kunai back through the air so quickly a whistle pierced the wind-swept stone faces before embedding themselves in two different trees behind the three awed genin.

Unfortunately, when the weight of the two boys caught on the ninja wire already looped into a harness around Sasuke's chest, both young trees were yanked from their precarious perches in the cracks on the stone head of the Yondaime.

Opening his eyes angrily to curse and scream at the Uchiha for not letting him go, Naruto, due to facing straight up, saw all four genin falling with him to deaths below and did ...something.

The rest became gravity, the God of Luck (Inari), elasticity, physics, and another visit from Inari.

" '_Something_' Shino-kun?" The Hokage interrupted the Aburame's surprisingly long speech with more than a trace of amusement, despite the seriousness of the situation and the sternness within his visage.

"Yes Hokage-sama. Why? Because Naruto-san's clothes ...morphed in a similar fashion to some of the Akimichi body-expansion techniques mixed with the Nara shadow-manipulation techniques then grabbed all four of us. One for each limb. Naruto-san's shirt glued itself to Yondaime-sama's nose until we bounced back above it and away towards the relative safety of the village proper. I believe Naruto-san's most grievous injuries occurred while ensuring that we did not fall to our deaths. Why? Because human limbs, even reinforced through chakra as Naruto-san's were given the chakra my kikaichu could detect from them, are not created to bear stopping a free-falling body-weight of equal mass; much less five."

While the Hokage pondered Shino's words, he had to quickly move the four genin to the side as another quartet of med-nin burst through the hallway into the room where Naruto's broken body wheeled to almost an hour before.

A moment later, one of the original med-nin brought out another in a wheelchair, both of their faces pale and drawn. "Wantanabe-san," the Hokage greeted the man in the wheelchair warmly, holding a hand up towards the four genin to ensure silence. "How is Naruto-kun?" Instead of answering right away, the smaller med-nin waves the Hokage closer and whispered in his ear fiercely.

"CLEAR!" Ten sets of worried eyes focused on the doorway at the end of the hall as the lights dimmed three times in a row.

The med-nin Wantanabe continued to whisper in the Hokage's ear for another minute before going silent. His partner wheeled him away moments later with a hand-waved permission from the Hokage.

"H-How is he Lord-d H-Hokage-sama," Hinata practically demanded, her arms clenched painfully across her chest.

The elderly man considered his words for a long moment as he stared at the doors, not meeting the genin's eyes when he finally spoke. "The physical damage may have saved his life. If his life can still be saved." The four genin, and the recently arrived Iruka started visibly at this. Still choosing his words the Hokage continued. "You said Naruto-kun has been acting ...out of sorts since the team selection Sasuke-kun?"

"Hn… er… Yes Sir, Hokage-sama." Sasuke replied with a frown.

"At least we have a time-range then. Based on Wantanabe-san's initial findings, Naruto-kun had more legal and illegal drugs running through his system than several small countries have available for their entire shinobi forces. Each being released at different times under unknown factors by one of these." The assembled ninja did not notice the med-nin from before hand their superior anything, but he wasn't the Hokage for nothing. Cupped in the palm of his hand were eight small onyx crystals, each the size of a single grain of rice. "His actions and re-actions from today, and in fact the entire past two weeks, appear to have been affected by a massive influx of adrenaline alongside his body completely stopping any and all production of endorphins. Naruto-kun was both extremely drugged and going through hyper-withdrawals at the same time.

"Wantanabe-san made it clear that Naruto should have been somewhere between a raging beast and a drooling moron since these drugs took effect almost two weeks ago. He was poisoned very, _very_ badly," the Hokage commented unnecessarily in conclusion, a heavy and depressed timbre in his voice.

"Because of the Fox," Sasuke snarled, glaring at the wall.

What the HELL Sasuke? What did wood ever DO to the Uchihas?

"Senju."

Ignoring that.

Anyway.

"Naruto-kun shouldn't have to put up with this!" the Hyuga Heiress practically screamed, for once her blush formed entirely from anger instead of shame or embarrassment.

Hiruzen was pleased to note that all of the shinobi present nodded harshly in agreement, glares on all of their faces and anger in their eyes. _'The Will of Fire truly BURNS with the new generation.'_

"I agree he should NOT." the God of Shinobi stated, even more enraged than those present, turning silent as he forcibly pulled his emotions under control before addressing the assembled teens again. "I should not have to say this, but Naruto's status is an S-Ranked secret of upmost importance to village security. You may discuss this only with myself or your jonin-sensei's."

Hiruzen's command finally cleared up something that had been bothering him since the desperate race to the Hospital after the five teens plunged abruptly through his office window. "Sasuke-kun. Sakura-san. Where was your jonin-sensei during this?"

They both flinched and the Hokage's eyes narrowed. Sakura answered after it became apparent Sasuke was still engrossed in a battle of wills with the wall. "Kakashi-sensei usually arrives two to four hours late each morning Hokage-sama. We are unsure where he might be." The pinkette said timidly with her eyes downcast, trying desperately to remember everything she'd ever been taught on propriety and interaction with nobility while reporting to her village's leader.

A few feet away from the far other side of training ground three, Hatake Kakashi glanced up at the sky from his post at the memorial stone and gauged it to be around noon. "Hmm... Guess I should go check up on my cute little genin. Maybe today I'll have them try to find each blindfolded after setting some rakes around the field."

"Would you care to repeat that Sakura-san," the Sandaime asked through grit teeth, a visible aura of menace gathering around the elderly shinobi.

"We, um, don't know where he is Hokage-sama." the girl stated meekly as she shrank away from the enraged Kage.

"I see." Hiruzen snapped his fingers and a masked ANBU appeared kneeling behind him. "Bring me jonin Hatake Kakashi. NOW." Everyone present except one shivered.

Hinata's kept her attention, and her Byakugan, focused entirely on the blonde fighting for his life in the next room.

- 3 - 3 - 3 - 3 -

Some time later, the Heroes gathered at the Hall of… err… with Naruto

_Naruto stared in awe at the massive and beautiful woman hovering over him with a multitude of emotions running through her teary eyes. Love, compassion, concern, fear. _

_Naruto giggled as a lock of her lustrous crimson hair seemed to move of its own violation to tickle his face underneath his chin._

"_Aren't gghh a surprise little bbbrrrmm?" the woman asked, the words garbled and strange to his hearing; yet no less compassionate for it._

_A monstrous roar tore through the quiet solitude, the power of it causing dust and small pieces of debris to fall from the walls and ceiling. Her face changed into one of shock and horror. "GGhhh nnoo!" she screamed, holding Naruto close to her _more_ than amble bosom. "Hhrrmmm already startedddd."_

_The woman's frantic whispers were interrupted by wailing from Naruto's body, if not from Naruto himself. "Hhhmmm kill you both!"_

_Naruto felt a soft pair of warm lips crash comfortingly into his forehead as the world went dark._

He finally pried his eyes opened, but didn't move; having to take a few moments to shake off the strangest dream yet.

_'What's happening to me?'_ For the first time since the incident with Mizuki, he felt like himself. No simmering rage. No cold rage. No anger. No near-constant fight or flight battles within his own head. It was ...strange to finally be calm after weeks of his emotions cart wheeling between different extremes. The extreme desire to train, to eat, to hunt, even to kill were finally blissfully muted to normal levels.

'_Would I really have killed Sasuke just then? Could I have?'_ After two weeks Naruto finally felt like Naruto, but he couldn't even say anymore who that was. He couldn't say for certain he wanted to know who that was anymore.

Directly above his head were four huge pipes that merged into one. The two largest, colorless tubes were completely empty. The smallest, the blue pipe, seemed almost completely empty yet still held a tiny trickle of glowing and swirling blue leaking through the almost empty tube. The third tube practically overflowed from the pile, faint purplish trails of smoke and goo leaking out of each joint and bolt.

Murky purple and blue water swirled through Naruto's clothes and hair and the irregular torches at great intervals within the thick stone hallway gave the young blonde a sense that he somehow ended up in a massive sewer.

After staring for hours, or even days, at the churning mass over his head Naruto finally worked up the energy to stand. The pipes vanished into the dead-end of the wall behind him so after frowning in confusion for a few minutes while investigating the dead-end, Naruto decided to find out where the bright purple goop came from.

Time seemed strange here.

The corridors he passed through his journey all looked the same length, but as he walked (and walked, and walked) each one seemed to take more or less time to travel till the next corner in a deceptively unnerving manner.

"ARGH! Damn It! I just want to find out where this purple crap comes from already!" He screamed out in frustration, closing his eyes as he pulled at his hair.

*giggle*

"Hello ni-san." Opening his eyes, Naruto bit back a gasp and fell in a puddle as he stared at the HUGE cage in front before him. Massive barely could describe the thing. The dull and heavily rusted metal bars as thick as a house vanished into the darkness far overhead, higher even than the Hokage Monuments. Naruto peered inside the cage to see ...nothing. The cage sat empty for as far as Naruto could see.

_'But then where...? I swear I heard.'_

The giggle sounded again, the musical tone echoing throughout the entire chamber.

"Behind you ni-san."

Blue cerulean, crystalline eyes met almost identical crystalline eyes, only the second pair held a familiar purple tint in them.

"YOU!" Naruto shouted comically, spinning around and pointing his finger accusingly at the owner of the voice.

The red-head before him pouted slightly. "It's not nice to point ni-san."

"But... but you're the girl from the dream last night!"

"Yes. Let me re-introduce myself." Dressed in full miko regalia for the occasion with a strange set of purplish furs behind her, the preteen girl appeared to be the picture of royalty as she bowed crisply to the blonde hero. "My name is Uzumaki Hanpei, but you may call me Hana-chan. I'm your little sister. Or big sister. Not really sure." It should be noted here that each piece of her regalia, with the exception of the furs, varied in a dozen shades of nothing but orange.

Naturally, Naruto approved.

"Ah..." he pointed again while scrunching up his nose in thought, "Pounded fish-cake?" Naruto asked, remembering the definition of Hanpei only due to its usage in one of his favorite ramen dishes at Ichiraku's.

The girl glared dangerously over her bangs as an oni formed in the visible aura behind her, "You may call me Hana-chan."

"Um... Right." Naruto practically shouted as his eyes widened comically, back-pedaling quickly. "Hana-chan. Got it. Won't forget it. Promise! Swear! Believe it!"

_'Girls are __**SCARY**__.'_

As the dangerous aura faded, the blonde finally noticed something strange about the purplish furs hanging behind her; they moved. "Ah!" he screamed, flailing away and landing on his rump a second time as he waved one arm while pointing accusingly at the twitching appendages, "You're... you're..."

"I'm your sister."

Ah. The Uzumaki gene.

"Urg... Huh?" There it goes.

It seemed like something he remembered her saying before, but now that he could think clearly again, the last few weeks were becoming a little hazier with each minute that passed. "Um... Right."

The Uzumaki gene strikes again. Love it.

"Doesn't everybody?"

Ignoring that.

"So um... yeah. Nee-chan?... I guess? Maybe?" Naruto trailed off, not really sure if he could accept the idea that the **Kyuubi** might actually be his sibling, but at least willing to give the girl the benefit of the doubt. No-one ever gave Naruto the benefit of the doubt while growing up, and Uzumaki Naruto would be damned if anyone ever compared him to those judgmental, hypocritical villagers. "What the hell's going on?!"

"Well at least it isn't fox-bitch anymore…_"_ she muttered to herself quietly, staring desolately into the abyss of darkness in the recesses of the empty cage.

Naruto flinched visibly as he remembered the near constant vitriol he'd sent the girl's way over the last three weeks; his most recent dream running through his mind like a hamster on a spin-wheel. "Yeah, sorry about that nee-chan!" He said in apology while rubbing the back of his neck and grinning to hide his embarrassment. "I haven't exactly been my normal awesome self lately! -ttabayo!"

"Right. Well we've got some time... Do you want the short version, or the long version?" Hana's voice, Naruto decided, was beautiful. Not in an attractive way (she's his sister or a homicidal monstrous beast of doom, either way Naruto just wasn't interested), but more from the unique timber of her voice. Even as she mumbled her question timidly while obviously trying to piece together an answer, her voice seemed to 'sing' within the cavernous echoes of wherever it was the two of them stood.

Naruto just gave the foolish girl a deadpan look once he shook off an observation he probably would have made weeks ago over her voice if his mind hadn't been so… off lately.

"Short version it is." Hana stated with a morose tone in her voice, as her shining amethyst eyes focused on the reflection within the puddle of water at their feet. "We're twins. Kaa-chan didn't know because of a really weird and fairly gross kekkai genkai until Tou-san already started sealing the Kyuubi into you. The previous Kyuubi pretty much attacked the village the minute you, err we, were born. Kaa-chan found out about me and realized since we pretty much share a body, or did, and Tou-san only sealed the previous Kyuubi in YOU, It would escape through me as soon as It woke up. Whatever it was Kaa-chan did actually killed the previous Kyuubi. Impressive considering it's never been done before to the Kyuubi."

"Kaa-chan sounds AWESOME! But… um…" Naruto scratched at his temple and cocked his head curiously, "What's a kekkai genkai?"

"Kaa-chan truly was pretty awesome from what I can tell. A kekkai genkai is… a mutation, I guess, in a shinobi's genes that gives them special powers. Dog-breath's ability to talk to his dogs, Shino's bugs, etc. are all examples of kekkai genkai." Naruto nodded in understanding when she paused to give him a chance to ask questions. He didn't know what pants had to do with being a ninja, but he figured it wasn't important so he nodded for her to continue. "Anyway, Kaa-chan also knew that despite being dead, the previous Kyuubi would have just reformed in roughly nine years AND since the beast's chakra already flooded your body, it would have killed you if it vanished so she did something else."

"What? What did she do?" Naruto asked, completely enthralled by the 'story-time' the red-head was giving him, forgetting for a moment his suspicions of the girl claiming to be his sister as he reveled in the complete sense of acknowledgement the crimson haired young girl provided for him unawares.

"Honestly, I haven't a clue. Whatever she did turned me into what I am now. I guess she knew that without Kyuubi's power, you would die, yet the power itself would kill ME since it was being custom-tailored by Tou-san's seal for _you_. Since we're pretty much stuck together though, you'd have died too. Now the Kyuubi won't reform, since I have Its chakra, and neither one of us dies. It's a win-win for everybody. Well, not the old Kyuubi, but close enough."

"Awesome -ttabayo! But um... Neh nee-chan. His do you know all this stuff? That happened when we were babies."

"I... don't know. I woke up in a lot of pain a few weeks ago. I think I've been asleep since the sealing, though I remember most of the same things you do. I also have some of Kaa-chan's memories, some of Tou-san's memories, and even some of the previous Kyuubi's memories. I'm still …sorting?... living..? through most of them. The previous Kyuubi REALLY hated Kaa-chan and Tou-san though. A LOT."

"How come? I mean he only met Tou-san when he got sealed right? And you said Kaa-chan fixed it afterwards so he didn't even know Kaa-chan." Naruto asked in confusion, his eyebrows furrowed in a way that would make most grown mothers scream 'KAWAIII!' and pinch his cheeks repeatedly (well, other kids anyway. Not so much with Naruto.)

"You weren't the first jinchuriki ni-chan." Hana said quietly, frowning at the water as she scraped her bare foot along the edge of the puddle. "Kaa-chan was actually the second vessel of the angry beast, because releasing it would have the previous Kyuubi leveling the village almost exactly as it tried to do the night it escaped and Kaa-chan died. Our great Aunt Mito, the Shodaime's wife, was the first jinchuriki of the Kyuubi when she sealed it into herself late in her life during the final battle between the Shodaime and Uchiha Madara. Aunt Mito and the Uzumaki Clan then chose Kaa-chan as the second jinchuriki of the Kyuubi do to her unique chakra." Hana stated simply, continuing her explanation and giving him precious information on the family he'd never heard of nor ever known.

"Oh. That's... kinda awesome actually. I'm related to the Shodaime! What about Tou-san though?" Naruto asked, showing a surprising ability to retain the same topic for the nominally easily sidetracked blonde Uzumaki.

She blushed, though he couldn't see it considering the only lighting nearby came from the bright purple pipe overhead and the light within the reflections in the water at their feet, thankfully giving the slightly flustered girl a glow healthy enough already to hide the flush growing up her neck. "He knew of Tou-san…"

"How? Wasn't he locked up in Kaa-san?" Naruto asked intently, his head cocked to the side questioningly as he tried to go back over the story the red-headed young girl in front of him just narrated.

Refusing to meet his eyes, Hana coughed into her hand as she tried to think of a decent explanation for the previous Kyuubi's eternal hatred of one Senju Hashirama and Namikaze Minato. "He knew Tou-san."

"But HOW?!" Naruto whined, completely oblivious to Hana's growing sense of embarrassment.

She coughed again, her cheeks completely on fire to the point where her blush managed to spread from the tips of her ears to the nape of her neck. "Kaa-san's seal made the Kyuubi feel everything she felt."

"So?" the clueless blond asked, getting none of the connotations that Hana seemed to be trying desperately not to paint in black and white.

The red-head finally settled on just being blunt, since trying to change the subject obviously wasn't working. Despite having a much more educated and reserved presence, Hana still remained an Uzumaki at heart, bluntness practically started the first link in their genetic code. "Tou-san conceived us. With Kaa-chan. The previous Kyuubi was MALE."

"So...?" She just glared at him as his mind finally caught up. "Oh. OH. Oi! That had to SUCK." Naruto screamed in disgust, his mind immediately zoning in on his own unfortunate first kiss for a moment. "So the Fox-Bastard had to kiss a dude? Not cool." Thickheaded obliviousness within the males also happened to be rather near the beginning of the Uzumaki DNA sequence.

Hana blinked a handful of times then shook her head with a fond smile. "So. Um... Right. We'll go with that."

"So anyway," Naruto asked while looking around in a desperate attempt to change the subject, "Where are we?"

Hana smiled indulgently as her blush finally faded. She gestured at the purple filled pipe above their heads. "We're in our connected mind. That pipe is a representation of my chakra."

Rocking back and forth on his heels as he trapped his hands behind his neck, Naruto took another look around the cavernous area, guessing (accurately) that if purple stuff in the pipe over his head probably came from his sister than one of the other pipes must be his own. "Neh... Nee-chan..." Naruto pointed at the pipe while digging at his ear, "If that's your chakra..."

"It is." she said quietly after a few moments silence, keeping her eyes firmly away from the curious, naïve, innocent gaze of the earnest azure and sparkling eyes of the blonde. Seriously, if that look could be packaged and sold somebody would make millions off of it.

Probably Jiriya, cheap money-stealing whore-son that he is.

"...so where's mine?" the blonde finished his question curiously.

Hana sighed, pointing to the almost completely empty tube traveling down the roof through the side wall, the calm bluish chakra barely a trickle even compared to what it was when Naruto first awoke.

"You're dying."


End file.
